Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #99 · 2026-10-22

Tomasz Odgers
of The Association of Certified Hedge Auditors

a membership with no refunds and no newsletters · membership

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
8%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no agreement, caller hung up on his own script

“Caller read the same line twice, declared it wasn't landing, and then reported losing a line that Bernard was still holding.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Tomasz Odgers Tomasz Odgers, The Association of Certified Hedge Auditors. I've reached the person responsible for hedge standards, haven't I.
Bernard You have, yes, though I'd have to check the exact wording of what I'm responsible for. I'm very clear, I'll say that for you. Now, we've got a side gate that only opens inwards — is that the sort of thing your association would look at?
Tomasz Odgers Bernard, that's exactly our sort of concern, and I'll be quick. Certification with us confers prestige, full stop, no newsletter and no refunds, and that's a point I'd want you to hear clearly.
Bernard No newsletter, that's a shame, I like something coming through the door. Prestige, you said — does that come in one size, or would I pick from a few?
Tomasz Odgers I knew someone would raise the "nothing is actually given" point, Bernard, and I'm glad it's you, because the standing is the thing you get. Nothing else, and nothing to refund.
Bernard Oh, I see, the standing is the thing itself. Very good of you to explain it twice — I've got it now. Tell me, would the standing be all right in a bungalow?
Tomasz Odgers Stands anywhere, Bernard, that's rather the point of it. So I'll put you down as a yes and start the membership now, indefinitely, and that's that.
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, but go on, you've been very patient with me. How long did you say indefinitely was — a year, or more of a standing thing?
Tomasz Odgers I'll let you get back to the gate, Bernard, because I've read the same line twice and it isn't landing. Sorry to have taken up your evening.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, I really am — I was very interested, honestly I was. You get yourself home safe now, and mind the traffic.
Tomasz Odgers Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the person responsible for hedge standards.
  2. Explain certification confers prestige only, no newsletter, no refunds.
  3. Address the objection that nothing is actually provided; note prestige is the provision.
  4. Ask directly for the yes and begin the indefinite membership.

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