Call #100 · 2026-10-22
Maureen Onions
of Lindqvist and Sons, est. 1861
a bundle of a garden gate and a doormat · bundle
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
15
Minutes on the line
58%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew unprompted
“Caller apologised for muddling the bundle; Bernard apologised for being interested. Neither apology was necessary.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Maureen Onions
Hello, sorry to bother you — Maureen Onions, Lindqvist and Sons, established 1861. It's about a small garden arrangement, if you've a moment?
Bernard
Oh, Lindqvist and Sons — 1861, that's a good long while ago. I don't get many calls, so take your time. A garden arrangement, you say? Well, now, that's very good of you.
Maureen Onions
Oh, thank you, that's kind. It's — sorry, let me get this right — it's the bundle: one garden gate and one doormat, sold together as a single arrangement. Am I saying that clearly enough?
Bernard
A gate and a doormat. Well, I've got a gate, but it's a bit of a mover in the wind. Does the doorbundle come with fittings, or is it just the two of them holding hands?
Maureen Onions
I should say, people do ask why those two go together — and honestly the answer is they both greet you, one at the drive and one at the door. Does that make sense, or have I lost you?
Bernard
No, no, you've not lost me. One greets you at the drive and one at the door — you've thought about that, haven't you. I had a coal scuttle with a hole in the side once, and it greeted nobody, so you're ahead of me.
Maureen Onions
Ha — that's a good one. Anyway, sorry, so, the question is really just whether I can put you down for the bundled gate-and-doormat arrangement — would that be a yes?
Bernard
Well, I'd have to think about it properly. Could I just go and look at where the gate would go? Won't be a moment — you hold on, and mind you don't get bored.
Maureen Onions
No, that's fair, that's fair. Sorry, I think I've rather muddled this one anyway — I'll give it a proper go another day, if that's all right. Thanks for being so patient with me.
Bernard
Well, I'm sorry to hear that — I was very interested, truly. You've been no bother at all, so you take care now.
Maureen Onions
I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by recalling Lindqvist and Sons' founding year, 1861, warmly.
- Explain the bundle: one garden gate, one doormat, sold as a single arrangement.
- Address the objection that a gate and a doormat are two unrelated objects.
- Ask for the yes on the bundled gate-and-doormat arrangement.
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