Call #97 · 2026-10-22
Malcolm Balogun
of Gopal Porch Maintenance and Son
a fortnightly drain survey that arrives unbidden · unbidden service
15
Minutes on the line
6%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit
“Caller offered a fortnightly survey nobody asked for; Bernard asked whether it needed feeding and offered him sugar.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Malcolm Balogun
Malcolm Balogun, Gopal Porch Maintenance and Son. I was passing your place and had a look at your drains, so I'm ringing about that.
Bernard
Oh, you were passing! Well, that's very good of you. Now, before you start — is this the one about the gutters? Only I had someone about the gutters, or I think I did, and I've never been sure how it ended.
Malcolm Balogun
No, drains, not gutters. Great news, though — the fortnightly survey just turns up unasked, as a courtesy.
Bernard
Unasked, you say? Well, that's handy. Does it need feeding, this survey? Only we had a cat that turned up unasked and it never once went home.
Malcolm Balogun
No feeding, no visit, and it's never billed or asked for. You just sit there and it keeps happening.
Bernard
Sit there and it keeps happening. Well, I do that with the weather. And nothing's ever billed, you said? That's the bit I like, because my father always said never pay for a thing you can't see.
Malcolm Balogun
Nothing to pay, ever. So all I need from you is to let the surveys carry on as normal — that's the whole thing.
Bernard
Carry on as normal, yes. Well, I can't see any harm in it. Oh — do you take sugar? I've got a pot of it here and I'm not sure I asked.
Malcolm Balogun
Honestly, I've done this call so many times I could weep, and I don't think this one's ever going to land. Malcolm Balogun, Gopal Porch Maintenance. Have a good afternoon.
Bernard
Sorry to hear that, I really am. I was very interested, honestly, so you get yourself off and mind the traffic.
Malcolm Balogun
Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by noting you were passing and happened to check their drains.
- Explain the fortnightly survey turns up unasked, as a courtesy.
- Reassure that no visit will ever be billed or requested.
- Ask them to simply let the surveys continue as normal.
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