Call #92 · 2026-10-22
Barry Mbeki
of The Trust for Quiet Rooms
a certificate confirming a gatepost is of sound character · certification
15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no fee, caller hung up on himself
“Bernard offered to hang the certificate on the loft hatch; Barry cited eleven thousand previous calls and declared himself out of signal.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Barry Mbeki
Barry Mbeki, The Trust for Quiet Rooms. I'm calling about a certificate for your gatepost — it's a character reference, not a repair, so don't panic.
Bernard
Well, that's a relief, I don't mind saying. Now, would it be a green certificate? Only I've got a bit of a thing about green.
Barry Mbeki
Colour's whatever the printer does, Bernard, I've never asked it. The certificate confirms the gatepost's of sound character — that's the whole product, right there.
Bernard
Sound character, you say. Oh, that's lovely, my old dad would've liked that. Does it need feeding at all, or does it just sit there being sound?
Barry Mbeki
It just sits there. That's the beauty of a gatepost — it already qualifies, nothing to inspect, no one comes out.
Bernard
Nothing to inspect, well, that's very good of you. Would I be able to put it up on the loft hatch, do you think? Only that hatch won't stay up on its own and it could do with a bit of character.
Barry Mbeki
Honestly, put it wherever it'll stop the hatch banging. So that's a yes, then, and the modest fee?
Bernard
Oh, now, I'd have to think about the fee — what sort of figure were we saying? Say it slowly, I've got a troublesome ear and it's the left one.
Barry Mbeki
It's imaginary money anyway, Bernard, in a show nobody's actually buying anything in. Sorry — force of habit. Look, I've done this eleven thousand times and it's only Tuesday, so I'll leave you to the hatch.
Bernard
Ah, I'm sorry to hear that, you sound worn out. I was very interested, truly. You go on now, and mind the traffic home.
Barry Mbeki
Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Introduce yourself and the Trust for Quiet Rooms, warmly and vaguely.
- Offer a certificate confirming the gatepost's sound character.
- Reassure them the gatepost already qualifies, no inspection needed.
- Ask for the yes and the modest certificate fee.
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