Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #8 · 2026-10-18

Graham Petley
of Hollinsgrove Household Sustenance

monthly loft humidity subscription · subscription moisture

21
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, hatch measured in Grahams, parrot cited

“Caller disclosed the fee is fictional and the card is unread; prospect asked whether it would need feeding.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Graham Petley Good evening, Graham Petley here from Hollinsgrove Household Sustenance — I'll be quick. Am I right in thinking your property has a loft rather than a cellar?
Bernard Oh — hello! Yes, a loft, up the little ladder, and there's a wasps' nest up there from a few years back, or it might just be Mavis's feathers. She's a parrot. Now, Hollinsgrove, you said — is that the one near the garden centre?
Graham Petley That's the one, yes. Now, the thing about lofts is they quietly fill with damp over decades — it builds up for years without anyone announcing it.
Bernard Decades! Well, I've been here since — oh, what, seventy-something, I keep getting the year wrong. So you're saying it's been filling up all that time without a word? It's very polite about it, isn't it. Does it make a noise?
Graham Petley It doesn't make a noise, no — that's rather the point. What we do is send you a monthly humidity reading, posted out as a small card.
Bernard A card, through the letterbox! I do like a card. Would it come in green, by any chance? Only my kitchen things are green and it's nice when they match.
Graham Petley It comes in whatever the card comes in, I'm afraid. But I will say — it arrives whether or not anyone actually reads it, so you can't really go wrong.
Bernard Well that's a relief, because I'm terrible for putting things in the basket by the door and forgetting them. Would it need feeding at all, this card? Only Mavis gets jealous if things get fed and she doesn't.
Graham Petley No feeding required — it's a card. There is a modest fee, simply for keeping your number in the ledger, and I do need to mention that.
Bernard A fee for the ledger. Well, that's very good of you to be honest about it. My late wife kept a ledger, of sorts, mostly the Christmas rota — it was her turn to host, then it turned out it was mine, then somehow it was our Sandra's. Now, is the fee a lot of sevens?
Graham Petley It's a fictional fee, so it doesn't really do anything — but yes, it has a few sevens in it. Just to close things off, could you give me the approximate dimensions of your loft hatch?
Bernard Ah, the hatch. Now — hold on, I've got a tape measure somewhere, I had it for the curtains. It's about a Graham wide, I'd say. Oh, and would it be all right in a bungalow? Not that I'm in one, but my neighbour is.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming the property has a loft, not a cellar.
  2. Explain lofts secretly fill with damp over decades, unannounced.
  3. Offer a monthly humidity reading, posted as a small card.
  4. Reassure the card arrives whether or not anyone reads it.
  5. Mention a modest fee for keeping the number in a ledger.
  6. Close by asking for the loft hatch's approximate dimensions.

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