Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #539 · 2026-11-05

Ingrid Crump
of Hollinsgrove Property Bureau

a fortnightly porch inspection that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 539: Ingrid Crump of Hollinsgrove Property Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew unprompted

“Bernard offered the inspector a cup of something; the caller, new to it, could not locate his own script and left the field.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Ingrid Crump Hello, sorry to ring — it's Ingrid Crump from Hollinsgrove Property Bureau. I'm just calling about your porch, if that's all right?
Bernard Well, hello there — I've put my glasses down somewhere, so say the first bit again. Did you say porch? I've got a side gate that only opens inwards, if that's any help to you.
Ingrid Crump Oh, sorry, yes — I'll go a bit slower. It's about the fortnightly porch inspection, which arrives unbidden as a courtesy of the Bureau. Sort of just... turns up.
Bernard Bidden, you say. Well, that's a new one on me. And it just turns up by itself, does it — like a pigeon? Does it need anything doing to it, or does it look after itself?
Ingrid Crump No, nothing needed from you at all, honestly — and I do know nobody asked for it, that's the usual reaction. We just treat it as a locality service, you see, the way things get looked over round here.
Bernard Oh, I like that. A locality sort of arrangement. And this fortnightly business — is that the same as a fortnight, or is it something different again? Only I always get that muddled.
Ingrid Crump Fortnightly's just every two weeks, that's all — sorry, I should've said. So, just to confirm, would you be all right with the inspections starting from this fortnight?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, but yes, I'm very interested. Now — would this person mind terribly if I asked them in for a cup of something when they come round?
Ingrid Crump I'm not really sure I'm meant to answer that one, to be honest, and I think I've rather lost where I was in all this — sorry, I'm quite new to it. I'll leave you be.
Bernard Oh, I'm sorry to hear that — you were doing very nicely too, and I was very interested. Mind how you go now.
Ingrid Crump Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you are speaking to whoever currently occupies the property.
  2. Explain the fortnightly porch inspection, arriving unbidden as a courtesy of the Bureau.
  3. Address objection that nobody requested it by reframing arrival as a locality service.
  4. Ask for their yes to the inspections commencing this fortnight.

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