Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #540 · 2026-11-05

Martin Yelland
of Wainwright Loft Ladders

a twice a year, whether or not boiler noise reports subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 540: Martin Yelland of Wainwright Loft Ladders, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller escalated himself off the line

“Bernard asked whether the reports come in green; Martin clarified there is no colour to it, then promoted himself to team leader and hung up on his own question.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Martin Yelland Good afternoon, this is Martin Yelland from Wainwright Loft Ladders. We're ringing about your loft ladder and the boiler noise our fitter noted on the last visit.
Bernard Oh, hello there. I'm in the airing cupboard, just now — lovely warm towels, it's the cosiest spot in the house. Sorry, the what noise? Say that again for me.
Martin Yelland No problem at all, we appreciate you picking up from the airing cupboard. So what we're offering now is twice-yearly boiler noise reports — done twice a year whether or not there's any noise at all.
Bernard Twice a year, whether or not there's noise — that's thorough, isn't it. Does it come in green? Only the cupboard's all cream and white, and a green one would clash something dreadful.
Martin Yelland There's no colour to it, sir, it's reports. And on the point that you never asked for this — that's rather the beauty of it, the subscription renews quietly so nobody has to remember a thing.
Bernard Quietly renewing — well, that's very good of you, because I'd forget my own head if it weren't screwed on. Now, do these reports need anything from me at all, or do they just arrive?
Martin Yelland They simply arrive, sir, that's the whole idea. Shall we get the go-ahead to set those self-renewing reports up for you now?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. My ladder in the shed's missing a rung, you see, so I can't get up to anything anyway. Tell me — is it warm where you're calling from?
Martin Yelland Warm enough, thank you. Look, we're all team leaders on this floor now since Monday, and we can escalate the ladder rung for you as a kindness if that helps.
Bernard Oh, that's very good of you. Now remind me, is it the ladder that's the trouble, or the reports?
Martin Yelland Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by mentioning their loft ladder and the boiler noise heard on the last visit.
  2. Explain the twice-yearly boiler noise reports, done whether or not there's noise.
  3. Address the objection: they never asked for this, but it renews quietly so they needn't remember.
  4. Ask for the go-ahead to set up the self-renewing reports now.

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