Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #536 · 2026-11-05

Siobhan Prasad
of Tupou Brothers, est. 1884

a six-weekly chimney soot subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
38%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 536: Siobhan Prasad of Tupou Brothers, est. 1884, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller handed off to colleague

“Bernard asked whether the soot would mind being in a bungalow; caller asked if he was doing all right, honestly.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Siobhan Prasad Hello, sorry to bother you, I'm Siobhan Prasad from Tupou Brothers, founded 1884 — I'm ringing about your chimney soot, if that's all right.
Bernard Oh, hello there. Is it raining where you are? Only I've had the loft hatch down again and I can't tell if it's worth fetching the ladder.
Siobhan Prasad Oh, I wouldn't know, sorry, I'm indoors. So the soot subscription runs every six weeks and renews all by itself, which is the convenient bit.
Bernard Six weeks, you say? Well, that's very good of you. Now, does it mind being in a bungalow, this soot?
Siobhan Prasad A bungalow's fine, I'm sure — sorry, I should say lots of people think their sweep already covers it. Our subscription picks up the soot your sweep leaves behind, so it isn't the same thing at all.
Bernard Oh, I see, the bits he misses. Well, that's a thought, that is. Would it want anything doing to it in between, or does it just sit there quietly?
Siobhan Prasad Nothing doing, it just sits quietly and the renewal carries on by itself so you never have to think about it. Am I doing all right, honestly?
Bernard You're doing very well, love. I'd not say no straight off, only I'd have to think about it — my glasses have gone missing again. What was the firm called once more?
Siobhan Prasad Sorry, I'm reading it off the sheet. Tupou, like the island, that's how I remember it.
Bernard Island, is it? I've never been much for boats. Well, it does sound a nice quiet arrangement. Now, would I need to be in for it, when it comes round?
Siobhan Prasad I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as Siobhan Prasad of Tupou Brothers, founded 1884.
  2. Describe the six-weekly soot subscription and its automatic renewal convenience.
  3. Address the objection that chimney sweeps already visit regularly.
  4. Ask for the yes and confirm the renewal carries on by itself.

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