Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #534 · 2026-11-05

Fergus Colesworth
of Chaudhry Porch Maintenance

a replacement for a clothesline that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 534: Fergus Colesworth of Chaudhry Porch Maintenance, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no go-ahead, caller withdrew to fight another day

“Bernard asked whether the line came in green because the bird's partial to it; caller rang off rather than answer.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Fergus Colesworth Hello there, Fergus Colesworth from Chaudhry Porch Maintenance. It's about your clothesline, and I've got something brilliant for you.
Bernard Oh, hello there. Are you selling, or asking? Only I like to know which it is before I settle in. It's a nice day for it, mind — I've had the greenhouse door open since ten.
Fergus Colesworth Ha, that's a fair question, and I love it. I'm mostly asking — about your line — because the new one has superior tension and it shrugs off the weather.
Bernard Well, I'm very interested, now what was it again? Superior what? The line we've got's been up since... oh, long enough that I can't remember. Hang on, there's a sock I can see behind the radiator. A sock.
Fergus Colesworth I love it — sockets and socks, no problem. The tension's better on the new one, and yes, yours clearly works, but the older models age terribly, they do.
Bernard Age terribly, do they? Well, I'd have to think about it. Everything round here ages terribly, including me. Would it be much trouble to put up, do you think? I'm not so steady on the step-ladder as I was.
Fergus Colesworth Ha, that's a good one, you're in fine form. So shall I book the swap for this week — just the go-ahead and I'll get it moving?
Bernard Oh, now, hold on. You said a word earlier I didn't quite catch. Swap? Is that like a swab? Only my brother did a swab once and never heard the end of it. Book it for... when's your week, roughly?
Fergus Colesworth Ha, no swabs, I promise. My week's roughly the same as yours, funnily enough — so, can I put you down for the go-ahead?
Bernard Same as mine, is it — what, Tuesdays? Wait. No, it's the garden bin on Thursdays, I always muddle that. Now, your line — would it come in green at all? The bird's partial to green.
Fergus Colesworth I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself and Chaudhry Porch Maintenance, mention clotheslines.
  2. Describe the shiny new line, superior tension and weather resistance.
  3. Acknowledge the current line works, insist newer models age badly.
  4. Ask for the go-ahead to book the swap this week.

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