Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #530 · 2026-11-05

Lorraine Hawea
of Bramblehyde Household Bureau

a fortnightly hedge trim that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
11%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.

Share card for call 530: Lorraine Hawea of Bramblehyde Household Bureau, 15 minutes.

Save the card

The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit; caller withdrew in writing

“Bernard sought the trim's compatibility with a bird; Lorraine opted for the post and hung up on his behalf.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Lorraine Hawea Lorraine Hawea, Bramblehyde Household Bureau — lovely to reach you, it's about your hedge.
Bernard Oh, the hedge, yes — before you start, is this the one about the gutters? Only I had somebody on about gutters a while back, or was it the gutters, I never can keep it straight. Lovely to hear a voice, mind.
Lorraine Hawea Gutters, oh that's brilliant, no, it's the hedge — and it arrives unbidden, a fortnightly trim as a courtesy, whether you ask or not. Isn't that lovely?
Bernard Unbidden. Well, I've got a slab on the front path that rocks when you go over it — no, that's not the hedge, is it. Unbidden, you said. Does it need feeding, this trim?
Lorraine Hawea Ha, brilliant — no, nothing needed from you at all. It simply happens on its own, no asking, no arranging, and there it is.
Bernard So it just turns up. Like the man who reads the meter, only with more noise. And what do I owe for that — no, don't tell me, I'd have to think anyway. Does it come in green?
Lorraine Hawea Ha, the colour's not up to me, but it's all automatic, no price to think about, truly. Can I just note the trim on our schedule — a yes from you?
Bernard Well, I'm very interested, I really am. Now, would that be a fortnightly thing or the Tuesday sort of fortnightly? I've always had trouble with fortnights.
Lorraine Hawea Fortnightly, and nothing to arrange — it simply happens on its own.
Bernard Oh, that's good of you. So nothing to arrange, and it just happens. Hm. Well — I'd want to see how it gets on with the bird first, if I'm honest.
Lorraine Hawea I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming the address and the locality the Bureau covers.
  2. Explain the fortnightly hedge trim arrives unbidden as a courtesy.
  3. Reassure that the trim happens automatically, no request or booking needed.
  4. Ask for the yes to note the trim on the Bureau's schedule.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →