Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #529 · 2026-11-05

Adebayo Underhill
of The Association of Accredited Coal Bunker Valuers

an annual inspection of the airing cupboard you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
12%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.

Share card for call 529: Adebayo Underhill of The Association of Accredited Coal Bunker Valuers, 15 minutes.

Save the card

The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no slot, caller handed off to colleague

“Bernard asked whether the inspector wanted tea; Adebayo said he'd done the call eleven thousand times and handed him to someone who still believes in it.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Adebayo Underhill Adebayo Underhill, Association of Accredited Coal Bunker Valuers. Ringing about your annual airing cupboard inspection — the one you've never used.
Bernard Oh, hello there. Well, I'm delighted — I don't get many calls. Now, airing cupboard, did you say? I've got a cupboard but it's full of old notices pinned up, you'd need a torch to make head or tail of it.
Adebayo Underhill Torch is your department, Bernard, though I admire the commitment. The annual inspection covers that cupboards — the airing one, unused, per the record.
Bernard Right you are, per the record. Now, is it an inspection of the bunker or the cupboard? Only my bunker's more of a coal shed and I can't recall the last time anyone... no, wait, it's the cupboard. Go on.
Adebayo Underhill Cupboard. Unused airing cupboard. And before you ask, no, we don't need it found first — locating it is part of the job, the inspection can't find it, we locate it first, then inspect.
Bernard Well, that's a relief, because I couldn't point to it myself. Does it take long, this locating? I've nowhere to be, mind — you take all the time you like.
Adebayo Underhill The finding part's the quick bit, apparently. So just to confirm — shall I book you in for the inspection slot?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it — but yes, put me down. Now, mind the traffic on the way, there's roadworks by the church. And would the inspector want a cup of tea?
Adebayo Underhill Honestly, Bernard, I've done this call eleven thousand times and it's only Tuesday, so I'll hand you to a colleague who still believes in it. She'll sort the slot and take the tea order. Take care.
Bernard Ah, that's a shame — I was very interested, truly. Sorry to hear it's been such a Tuesday for you, and you take care now.
Adebayo Underhill I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you are through to the householder, mention the association.
  2. Explain the annual inspection covers the airing cupboard they have never used.
  3. Address the obvious objection: the inspection cannot find it, we locate it first.
  4. Ask for the yes: book the inspection slot for the unused cupboard.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →