Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #527 · 2026-11-05

Morag Asquith
of Fenwick Row Hearth and Home Bureau

a replacement for a porch that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 527: Morag Asquith of Fenwick Row Hearth and Home Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no date, caller rang off mid-script

“Bernard offered the week after, mornings, and a phone book to write it in; Morag lost her place in the book and rang off instead.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Morag Asquith Hello, sorry to bother you, this is Morag Asquith from Fenwick Row Hearth and Home Bureau. It's about your porch, if that's all right.
Bernard Oh, the porch, yes. Well, I'm listening — mostly. Mind you, you've caught me at a good moment, I'm just watching a wasp try to work out the kitchen window. It's not getting anywhere, but it's very determined. What's happened with the porch then?
Morag Asquith That's lovely, I hope it gets out eventually. Well, the Bureau has scheduled a replacement porch for your address, it's just routine provision, nothing to worry about at all.
Bernard Routine, right. Replacement porch. And I'd not have to do anything about it myself, is that it? Only the present one's been perfectly good for years, never let a drop through. Though I suppose you'd know better than me about these things.
Morag Asquith Oh, that's actually perfect, honestly, a porch that's fine is precisely why it qualifies. Sorry, that sounds mad, I know, it's what the sheet says.
Bernard No, no, that makes a sort of sense. Like the wasp — it's doing nothing wrong, and yet here we are. So what happens next, do I need to be in on a particular day?
Morag Asquith Right, so if I could propose a date for the surveyor to measure the existing porch — would a morning suit you, or is afternoons better?
Bernard Mornings are better for me, I'm up with the birds. Not this Thursday though — Thursday I've got the immersion heater on and I daren't leave it. Shall we say the week after, and you tell me which day and I'll write it on the phone book.
Morag Asquith Sorry, I've completely lost where I am in the book now. Could you just bear with me a moment while I find the right line?
Bernard Of course, take your time, no rush at all. It's a rotten job, what you do, I shouldn't wonder — all these calls and nobody ever pleased to hear from you.
Morag Asquith I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you've reached the householder at the address with the porch.
  2. Explain the Bureau has scheduled a replacement porch, frame it as routine provision.
  3. When they say the porch is fine, agree warmly and say that is precisely why it qualifies.
  4. Ask for the yes by proposing a date for the surveyor to measure the existing porch.

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