Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #526 · 2026-11-05

Nadia Onions
of Fenwick Ghyll Hedgework Group

a membership with no benefits and no meetings · membership

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
8%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.

Share card for call 526: Nadia Onions of Fenwick Ghyll Hedgework Group, 15 minutes.

Save the card

The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard asked whether the nothing would be all right in a bungalow; Nadia confirmed it would be fine anywhere, as it does nothing.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Nadia Onions Nadia Onions, Fenwick Ghyll Hedgework Group. I'm calling because you're in the right locality for a membership, and I'd like to confirm you're the householder.
Bernard Oh, I'm the householder all right, fifty years now. Have you had your lunch, my dear? Only I was just thinking about a sandwich and I don't like eating alone.
Nadia Onions Had my lunch, thanks. So the membership is prestige only, no benefits, no meetings, nothing owed but the fee. That's the whole thing.
Bernard Prestige. Well, that's very good of you. Now, does the prestige come in a colour, or is it just prestige generally? I only ask because I've got a spare fuse in the box and I'm never sure what it's for.
Nadia Onions It comes in no colours at all, and honestly what you'd get out of it is nothing. I'm not dressing that up.
Bernard Nothing at all! Now that's refreshing, because everyone else wants to sell me something. I had a man once who wanted to sell me some stairs and I haven't got any. Well, I'd have to think about it.
Nadia Onions Think about the nothing, then. If it helps, I'll need a name for the membership whenever you land on a yes.
Bernard A name. Well, it's Pottle, Bernard Pottle, though my sister reckons it should be her what's on things. Now, would this nothing of yours be all right in a bungalow, do you think?
Nadia Onions It'll be fine anywhere, because it doesn't do anything. So it's Pottle, Bernard Pottle, that's the name that goes on it.
Bernard That's the name, yes. And the fee — is that in the money we all pretend exists, or proper money? Only I like to know what I'm not paying for.
Nadia Onions Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by naming Fenwick Ghyll Hedgework Group and confirming you have the right locality.
  2. Describe the membership: prestige only, no benefits, no meetings, nothing owed but the fee.
  3. When asked what they get, agree: nothing, and let the nothing stand unapologetically.
  4. Ask them to accept the prestige and join, and ask which name goes on it.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →