Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #523 · 2026-11-05

Douglas Lomax
of The Trust for Hearth and Hearth

an annual inspection of the stair carpet you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
21%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.

Share card for call 523: Douglas Lomax of The Trust for Hearth and Hearth, 15 minutes.

Save the card

The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit; caller withdrew in writing

“Bernard confirmed he has stairs, uses mostly the downstairs, and could not place the drain; Douglas confirmed the carpet's whereabouts are not a condition of the certificate, then reached for the post.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Douglas Lomax Good afternoon, Douglas Lomax here from The Trust for Hearth and Hearth. I'm ringing because we've a question about your stairs — do you have them at the property?
Bernard Oh, hello there. Well, now, are you selling, or asking? Because I've had both today and I like to keep them straight. The stairs — yes, I've got a set of them, though I mostly use the downstairs these days.
Douglas Lomax Asking only, not selling — that's clause four. And the great news is the annual inspection covers the carpet on the upper flight, walked on or not, so your routine doesn't matter a jot.
Bernard Walked on or not — well, that's very thorough of you. Does it need feeding, this inspection? Only I had a man round about the boiler once and he wanted tea and a biscuit before he'd even look at it.
Douglas Lomax Ha, no feeding required. And the carpet's whereabouts aren't needed for certification anyway — policy fourteen-B is quite clear that location is not a condition of the certificate. So could I put you down for this year's inspection?
Bernard Oh, that's good of you. Now, whereabouts weren't needed — did I hear that right? Only I've a drain by the gate that gurgles something dreadful, and I've never known where it goes either. Could your inspection have a look at that while it's here?
Douglas Lomax The inspection covers the carpet only — the drain would fall under a different department, schedule nine. I'll be quick: can I put you down for this year's inspection, yes or no?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, I really would. It's not a no, mind. What was the day again — Thursday, is it? Only Thursdays I'm at my sister's, or is it her who comes here?
Douglas Lomax I haven't given a day yet — I never got that far. Look, I'll not keep you, Bernard; I'll put all of this in writing and post it out to you instead. Thank you for your time.
Bernard Sorry to hear it, Douglas — I was very interested indeed. Safe home, now.
Douglas Lomax I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking whether they have stairs at the property.
  2. Explain the annual inspection covers the stair carpet, used or not.
  3. Reassure them the carpet's location is not required for certification.
  4. Ask for the yes to book this year's inspection.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →