Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #519 · 2026-11-05

Trevor Quigley
of Ncube and Daughter, est. 1899

a seasonal boiler service that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno booking, no refusal, caller released by the householder

“Bernard offered the caller tea, worried about the rocking slab, and sent him off with a warning about the road; caller signed off as losing the line.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Trevor Quigley Bernard, morning. Trevor Quigley, Ncube and Daughter, founded 1899 — you're in good hands. I'm ringing to book your seasonal boiler service, the visit we send out unbidden.
Bernard Oh, unbidden, is it? Well, that's very good of you. I did wonder if it was about the gutters, but no — boiler, you said. Do you want to come in and have a cup of tea while you tell me about it?
Trevor Quigley That's very kind, Bernard, but there's no need — the engineer does the tea-drinking, not me. It's a courtesy visit, a full check of your boiler at the change of season, and it's on us.
Bernard On the house, is it? Very civilised. Now, would this engineer mind the front path — there's a slab that rocks, and I'd hate for him to go over on it.
Trevor Quigley Noted about the slab, Bernard, but that's the second time you've asked whether anyone asked for this — and the answer's the firm. Since 1899 we've turned up when we're wanted and when we're not.
Bernard Sorry, the line's a bit odd — did you say nineteen-oh-nine or eighteen ninety-nine? Only my aunt was born in one of those and I always muddle it. Either way, it's a long time to be turning up.
Trevor Quigley Eighteen ninety-nine, Bernard — over a century of this. So say yes and give me a morning that suits.
Bernard Well, I'm very interested, now — but Tuesday's the day I go and see about my aunt's clock, or is it Thursday? No, Thursday. He could come Thursday morning, if that's not too early for him.
Trevor Quigley Thursday morning works, Bernard — I'll get that in the diary. Just say the word and it's done.
Bernard You're very good to go to all this trouble. I'm sorry, though — I can hear you've had a long morning of it, so I won't keep you. Off you go, and mind the road on the way.
Trevor Quigley Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by mentioning the firm's founding year and long-standing reliability.
  2. Explain the seasonal boiler service as an unsolicited courtesy visit.
  3. Dismiss the objection that nobody asked for it by citing the firm's heritage.
  4. Ask for the yes and confirm when the engineer should arrive.

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