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Call #520 · 2026-11-05

Malcolm Sithole
of Garrowby Dwelling Bureau

a replacement for the stair carpet that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
8%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 520: Malcolm Sithole of Garrowby Dwelling Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard declined a carpet that isn't broken on grounds of oatmeal; caller left holding a slot-week with nobody's name near it.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Malcolm Sithole Malcolm Sithole, Garrowby Dwelling Bureau. I'm calling about the stair carpet replacement programme at the address our list has for you — that's you, yes?
Bernard Oh, hello. Yes, that's me, I'm in. You've caught me on a good day — the squirrel's been at the bird feeder again, bold as brass. Now, what was it you were after?
Malcolm Sithole The squirrel's none of my business, Bernard — what's on my sheet is the stair carpet. Garrowby Dwelling Bureau covers a replacement for a carpet that isn't broken.
Bernard A carpet that isn't broken. Well, that's very good of you. Ours has been down since before I can remember, and it's never given me a moment's trouble. What happens to it, then?
Malcolm Sithole Condition is irrelevant, Bernard — the fitting is scheduled on age, not on trouble. Yours is old, so it's due; that's the whole of it.
Bernard On age, I see. Well, I'd have to think about that. Does it come in a sort of oatmeal? Only the hallway's dark, and I'd want to look at it in the light before I said yes to anything.
Malcolm Sithole Oatmeal's fine, everyone says oatmeal, and you can look at it in the light all you like. I just need the yes so I can confirm the fitting slot.
Bernard You've been very patient with me. I'll just go and have a look at the stairs — no, wait, the carpet's still there, isn't it, I don't need to check that. Now, what day were you thinking?
Malcolm Sithole There's a slot-week in my book with your name near it, and I can hold it with a yes. That's all I need from you.
Bernard A slot-week, with my name near it. That's nice, that is. I'm sorry to say I've gone and forgotten what day it was you said, though. I'm so sorry — I've quite lost the thread of this, and you've been very good. I was very interested, truly. You go on and mind the traffic now.
Malcolm Sithole I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the householder at the address on the Bureau's list.
  2. Explain the stair carpet replacement programme covers a carpet that is not broken.
  3. Address the objection: condition is irrelevant, the replacement is scheduled on age.
  4. Ask for the yes: confirm the fitting slot and close the Bureau's file.

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