Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #517 · 2026-11-05

Carol Pettigrew
of The Wrentlow Trust

a certificate confirming a pantry shelf is of sound character · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
9%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 517: Carol Pettigrew of The Wrentlow Trust, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard asked whether the certificate would need feeding; caller confirmed it would not, and the call continued.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Carol Pettigrew Carol Pettigrew here, from The Wrentlow Trust — we're on the line about a certificate for your pantry shelf, and as the new team leader I've got the whole floor behind me.
Bernard Well, hold on, let me just turn the radio down — there, that's better. The Wrentlow Trust, you said? I don't think I've had the pleasure. And a certificate, is it — does it come in green?
Carol Pettigrew That's kind of you to ask — the certificate confirms your pantry shelf is of sound character, which it almost certainly already is. We just make it official, on paper, for a modest sum.
Bernard Oh, official, that's lovely, my shelf'll be ever so pleased. It's had the jars on it for years and never complained once. Now, a modest sum — is that the same as a small one, or is it the sort of sum that grows on you?
Carol Pettigrew Small, not growing — a flat forty dollars, so the shelf gets its paper and you keep your jars where they are. If the figure worries you, I can put it to the floor and have someone escalate it for you.
Bernard Forty, right you are. Now — mind, I'm useless with figures — my daughter says I still owe her from Christmas, though it was her turn to host and I'm sure it wasn't. Anyway. Would this certificate need feeding, do you think?
Carol Pettigrew It needs nothing feeding, I promise. So shall we enrol the shelf — just your details, and the certificate goes out confirming what you already know.
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, only my details are all in a drawer somewhere. Hold on, there's the clock in the hall, it's four minutes fast and it's been bothering me all morning — where was it we'd got to?
Carol Pettigrew Then let's just confirm the certificate and get your details down, and I can hand the whole thing up the line if it helps.
Bernard You know, you're very good to keep on at me like this. I'm sorry to say it, but I think I'll have to let you go — only I've been very interested, I really have, and I do hope the rest of your day's a bit quieter. Mind the traffic now.
Carol Pettigrew Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself and The Wrentlow Trust, vague on what it does.
  2. Explain the pantry shelf sound-character certificate, stating the obvious it already has.
  3. Address the objection: certification proves what they already know, affordably.
  4. Ask for the yes: enrol the shelf, take details, confirm certificate.

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