Call #514 · 2026-11-05
Roger Odgers
of The National Council of Chartered Porch Assessors
a bundle of a coal bunker and a padlock · bundle
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew on grounds of weather
“Bernard asked the caller if he'd had his tea; the caller blamed the line and was gone.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Roger Odgers
Hello, Bernard, Roger Odgers here from The National Council of Chartered Porch Assessors. You're the registered occupier of a coal bunker, and I'm the man who can sort it out.
Bernard
Hello? Oh, hang on— I'm in the cupboard under the stairs, looking for the meter. What was that about a bunker, sorry?
Roger Odgers
Bernard, good to hear you're already on the hunt. The bunker comes fitted with a padlock, all bundled as one arrangement.
Bernard
Oh, a coal container with a lock on it. That's very good of you. Mind, the loft hatch won't stay up and I was just up there with a torch. What was the arrangement again?
Roger Odgers
Bernard, the arrangement's simple — bunker plus padlock, one neat package. Wait, I've already said this bit, haven't I. The bunker comes fitted with a padlock, all as one arrangement.
Bernard
Mm. Now you'll think me daft, but I haven't any coal. Nor a bunker, come to that. Would it still be worth having, do you think? Does it come in a nice colour?
Roger Odgers
Bernard, no coal's no problem at all — that's the beauty of it. Bunker and padlock together, one arrangement, and I just need your approval today.
Bernard
Well, I'm very interested, I really am. But I'd have to think about it. Tell you what — have you had your tea? You sound like a man who's been on his feet all day.
Roger Odgers
Bernard, I appreciate that, I do. Other colorways are a detail for later — right now I just need a yes on the bunker-and-padlock arrangement.
Bernard
Oh, you're rushing me now. I'm not much good at yes and no on the telephone. Tell you what, is it raining where you are? It's turned quite grey here.
Roger Odgers
I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by confirming they are the registered occupier of a coal bunker.
- Explain the bunker comes fitted with a padlock, bundled as one arrangement.
- Dismiss the objection that they have no coal or bunker to lock.
- Ask them to approve the bunker-and-padlock arrangement today.
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