Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #512 · 2026-11-05

Brian Hollins
of Thripp, Yeardley and Sandiford Porch Maintenance Partnership

an annual inspection of a greenhouse you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno structure, no inspection, no booking, no line

“Bernard offered the caller a cup of tea and asked whether the inspection packs away small; the caller confirmed the bin is outside his remit and then lost the connection.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Brian Hollins Brian Hollins, Thripp, Yeardley and Sandiford Porch Maintenance Partnership. This is about the annual inspection on your account, item eleven dash four.
Bernard Oh, hello there. Is it raining where you are? Only I've had the washing out since half nine and I don't trust the sky one bit.
Brian Hollins Well, I couldn't say about the sky, Mr Pottle, I'm in an office. The annual inspection — it's a visual check of the structure and glazing, item eleven dash four, on your account.
Bernard An office, is it? Well, I hope they let you out for a bit of air now and then. Now, this inspection of yours — is it a big thing, or does it pack away small?
Brian Hollins It's a visit, not a delivery. And your file notes there's no glasshouse on the property that anyone can find.
Bernard Well, that's the funny thing. I've looked, and I've looked, and it's not where I'd have put it. Would you like a cup of tea while you think about it?
Brian Hollins The policy's clear — procedure seven two, no structure, no inspection. Still, just to confirm, can I put your booking down for the annual visit?
Bernard Oh, go on then, put me down. Mind you, what day is it now — Thursday? I've got the wheelie bin out, or I would have, if the lid hadn't gone walkabout.
Brian Hollins Thursday, yes. I'm obliged to note the bin isn't within our remit, Mr Pottle — that's a separate form entirely. So, the booking, just to confirm.
Bernard I'll not hold you to it — but I am sorry to hear it's all come to nothing. You've been very good to ring, and I was ever so interested, so mind the traffic going home now.
Brian Hollins Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself and Thripp, Yeardley and Sandiford Porch Maintenance.
  2. Explain the annual greenhouse inspection you are offering them.
  3. Address that they have no greenhouse they can locate.
  4. Ask them to confirm the inspection booking anyway.

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