Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #51 · 2026-10-20

Gareth Pemberton
of Hollinworth & Dace Household Settlements

a quarterly subscription to a spare doorknob · door hardware

27
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, parrot consulted

“Caller offered a place on the waiting list for the list; customer requested time to think and raised the matter of the parrot.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gareth Pemberton Good evening, this is Gareth Pemberton from Hollinworth & Dace Household Settlements. I'll be quick — just to confirm, do you own at least one door?
Bernard Oh — well — now, that's a good question. Yes, I've got several, though the back one sticks in the damp. Hold on, is this about the competition? I didn't enter one, but I'm very interested. What was it again?
Gareth Pemberton No competition, sir, nothing like that. So that's one door confirmed — and which door would you say you consider your primary door?
Bernard The front one, I'd say, the green one — it's the one Mavis can see from her perch. She's my parrot. Do you have a parrot? Only I wonder whether a spare knob would suit her, or frighten her.
Gareth Pemberton That's lovely, sir, and no parrot of my own, unfortunately. Now, the spare knob arrives entirely unattached and wrapped in tissue — it's more of a collector's item than a fitting, really.
Bernard Wrapped in tissue, you say? That's very good of you. Like a little present. Does it come in green, at all? Only everything in this house is green, and a brass one would look ever so out of place.
Gareth Pemberton Colour's not something I can vary, I'm afraid. And to reassure you, the spare knob fits no door currently manufactured — it's completely unique in that respect.
Bernard Oh, that's a relief, that is. Nothing worse than a knob that fits everything. Now then — how often did you say it comes? Quarterly, was it? I had a cousin who was quarterly about most things.
Gareth Pemberton Quarterly, that's right — and here's the thing, the quarterly delivery could arrive in any quarter. It's rather part of the charm.
Bernard Any quarter at all? Well, that's exciting, that is. Keeps a person on their toes. Would I need to leave the porch light on for it, or does it just come through the letterbox?
Gareth Pemberton It arrives however it arrives, sir. Now, what I can offer is a place on our waiting list — for the list itself, you understand. Shall I put you down?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. A waiting list for the list — I've never been on one of those before. Is there a form, or do you just take my word for it?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Confirm he owns at least one door before proceeding.
  2. Ask which door he considers his primary door.
  3. Explain the spare knob arrives unattached, wrapped in tissue.
  4. Reassure him it fits no door currently manufactured.
  5. Mention the quarterly delivery could arrive any quarter.
  6. Offer to place him on a waiting list for the list.

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