Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #52 · 2026-10-20

Gareth Pemberton
of Selbygate Domestic Assurances

a legally binding apology to your own kitchen · household reconciliation

18
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
10
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, one parrot, hallway unresolved

“Caller offered a notarised corridor addendum; prospect disclosed the corridor's principal is a grey parrot who will bite the pen.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gareth Pemberton Good evening, this is Gareth Pemberton from Selbygate Domestic Assurances — and yes, that's quite a lot of weather you've got going on there. I'm calling as a household apology facilitator, and I'll be quick.
Bernard Oh, the weather, yes — it's been coming down sideways since teatime. You're in Selbygate, did you say? My sister-in-law's people are from round that way. Now — forgive me — a household apology fallilitator, is that the one where you fix the boiler?
Gareth Pemberton Not the boiler, no — apologies, that's the whole of it. So, just to confirm, how many rooms in the house would you say have gone unacknowledged this year?
Bernard Unacknowledged? Oh dear. Well, there's the front room, I've not been in there since the clocks went back. And the kitchen and I had words over the toaster, I don't mind admitting. Would you count the hallway? Mavis won't go in the hallway.
Gareth Pemberton The hallway absolutely counts, I'd put that in writing. Now, for the kitchen itself, the standard wording runs: I, the undersigned, acknowledge the toaster and accept that it was not at fault.
Bernard That's rather nicely put, that is. Though I should say it was the toaster's fault, in a manner of speaking — the crumpet went in perfectly well. Now, would I have to say all that out loud, or could I just read it and nod?
Gareth Pemberton Out loud is traditional, but a nod can be notarised for a small extra. Which brings me neatly to the optional notarised corridor addendum — that's for the hallway, so Mavis's position is legally recognised.
Bernard Mavis's position. Well. Now that's very good of you. She's a parrot, mind — grey, and she'll not be notarised, she'll bite the pen. Could the corridor thing be done in green? Only the hallway's a bit of a dull colour and she likes a bit of green.
Gareth Pemberton Green's fine, colour's no trouble at all. So let me offer you a free quote on the whole package, and — just to confirm — who did you have in mind to issue the apology to?
Bernard Oh, a free quote, lovely. Well, it'd be the kitchen, and the hallway, and I suppose the front room's owed one too. Though now you've asked, I've clean forgotten — was it the toaster or the kettle that was put out? I stand corrected, it was the toaster.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as a household apology facilitator.
  2. Ask how many rooms have gone unacknowledged this year.
  3. Explain the standard wording required for a kitchen apology.
  4. Mention the optional notarised corridor addendum.
  5. Offer a free quote, then ask who they had in mind.

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