Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #50 · 2026-10-20

Bridget Colesworth
of Hempwell Garth Household Provisions

a thumb brace for a bread knife · household safety accessory

21
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no thumbs, tea declined by omission

“Caller offered a wrist strap for a knife, then asked the knife's handedness; customer offered tea instead of a decision.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Bridget Colesworth Good afternoon, this is Bridget Colesworth from Hempwell Garth Household Provisions, and I'll be quick — am I speaking to the person in this household who owns a bread knife?
Bernard Oh, hello there — yes, that's me, Bernard Pottle. Well, I say own — the bread knife and I have an understanding. It lives in the drawer with the spoons and I let it think it's in charge. Mavis doesn't care for it. Who did you say you were with, dear?
Bridget Colesworth That's the thing, Bernard — a bread knife has no thumbs, so it can't grip safely, which is exactly what Hempwell Garth is calling about today. Wonderful news, really.
Bernard No thumbs, you say. Well that explains a great deal. Do you know, I've never once thought about it — the knife's been managing all these years and I never asked how. And the bread's been cut all crooked, so perhaps it's been struggling. What's to be done, then?
Bridget Colesworth So the solution is our moulded brace, which fits any bread knife — it's one universal size, so no measuring at your end. Shall I tell you what comes with it?
Bernard Universal size, that's sensible — I've never been one for measuring, takes me ages to find the tape. Now, does the brace come in green at all? Only the kitchen's mostly green, and it would look ever so much happier.
Bridget Colesworth Colour isn't something I can promise, Bernard, but I'll be quick — it does come with a tiny wrist strap and a laminated thank-you card. That's my favourite part, honestly.
Bernard A laminated card, well! I do like a card — I've got one from the garden centre somewhere, it's a fern on the front. And the wee wrist strap, does that go round the knife or round me? Because I have a wrist, but the knife hasn't, as we established.
Bridget Colesworth It goes round the knife — well, round the brace, on the knife, the one without thumbs. So just to confirm, would your knife prefer the left or right-handed fit?
Bernard Oh — well — now, there's a question. I'm left-handed myself, but I couldn't tell you about the knife. It's been in the family since... no, wait, it was a wedding present, that's right. Could it not just do both and we see how it goes?
Bridget Colesworth Left or right — actually, we do both, and I'll be honest, I'm not sure anyone has ever asked in twelve years of these calls. Look, you've been very patient. Anyway — the brace comes with a twelve-month resizing service, just in case.
Bernard Twelve months, is it? Hmm — I'd have said twelve weeks, but you'd know. The resizing service, that's very good of you. Though I should say, if it needs resizing I'd have to find the thing first, and the drawer's a terrible state. Would you like a cup of tea while we're here?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you've reached the person who owns a bread knife.
  2. Explain the knife has no thumbs and therefore cannot grip safely.
  3. Describe the moulded brace, sold in one universal bread-knife size.
  4. Note it comes with a tiny wrist strap and a laminated thank-you card.
  5. Ask whether their knife prefers the left or right-handed fit.
  6. Close by offering a twelve-month resizing service they will never use.

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