Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #509 · 2026-11-04

Colin Chaudhry
of Underhill Hedgework Ltd

a certificate confirming a porch is in daily use · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 509: Colin Chaudhry of Underhill Hedgework Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew to post

“Bernard asked whether the certificate needed feeding, then wished Colin a safe drive home; Colin opted for the postal service.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Colin Chaudhry Good afternoon, Colin Chaudhry, Underhill Hedgework Ltd. I'm the new team leader as of Monday, speaking for the whole floor here. It's about your porch.
Bernard Oh, hello Colin. Well, you're very welcome. Are you selling, or asking? Because I've got all afternoon either way.
Colin Chaudhry That's kind of you, Bernard. The whole floor's behind me on this one, so here's the thing: the certificate simply records that the porch sees daily use, nothing more than that.
Bernard A certificate. Well, now. Does it need feeding, or is it more the sort of thing you hang up? I'd have to give it a think.
Colin Chaudhry It's the hanging-up sort, Bernard. I know it sounds obvious, but the certificate puts the porch's daily use on record, and that's rather the point.
Bernard Obvious is no bad thing, mind. I've a key here that sticks in the lock, and a certificate might explain why. Would it come in green at all?
Colin Chaudhry Green's a question for the print people, and I can put that up the chain for you as a kindness. But first, can I get the yes today to certify the porch's daily use?
Bernard Oh, I'm very interested, don't get me wrong. Tell me, is it a Tuesday they'd come round? I'm nearly sure my niece hosts Christmas this year, not me.
Colin Chaudhry My mistake there. So if I could just get the yes today on certifying the porch's daily use?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think it over, that's the honest truth. You go carefully now, and mind the traffic on the way home.
Colin Chaudhry I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the householder with the porch.
  2. Explain the certificate records the porch's daily use, nothing else.
  3. Address the objection: the certificate is obvious, but shows use on record.
  4. Ask for the yes to certify the porch's daily use today.

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