Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #507 · 2026-11-04

Ieuan Rangi
of Finch, Fennimore and Lomax Guttering Partnership

a replacement for a greenhouse that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 507: Ieuan Rangi of Finch, Fennimore and Lomax Guttering Partnership, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit, caller exited

“Bernard offered the caller tea and a squirrel update; the caller blamed the line and hung up on a working phone.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Ieuan Rangi Ieuan Rangi, Finch Fennimore and Lomax Guttering. I'm ringing about a replacement for your outbuilding, which still works, and that's the whole pitch.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. I don't get many calls, so take your time. A replacement for my what, sorry?
Ieuan Rangi Your garden building. The glass one. It works fine and I'm offering you a new one anyway, because that's the list I've got.
Bernard Oh, the glass one. Yes, I'm very interested, now what was it again? And would it want watering, do you think, or does it look after itself?
Ieuan Rangi Look after itself, yes. Now the part where I explain why you'd swap a perfectly good one: honestly, it's because we'd like the order.
Bernard Ha! Well, I like an honest man. Hold on a moment, there's a squirrel on the feeder again — determined little thing. Now, would you like a cup of tea while we talk it through?
Ieuan Rangi That's kind, but I'm on the phone. So will you approve it today, or shall I stop pretending and cross you off?
Bernard Cross me off what, the list? Oh dear. Now, I'd have to think about it — my neighbour Ada had a new one of those put in back in, oh, 2009, no, 2011. It's a big decision.
Ieuan Rangi It's a decision, yeah. And since you'd have to think, I'll just say the line about it being a big day for your garden anyway.
Bernard A big day for the garden, is it? Well, that's nice to hear. You sound a bit tired, if you don't mind my saying. Has it been a long day for you?
Ieuan Rangi I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as Ieuan Rangi from Finch, Fennimore and Lomax Guttering.
  2. Explain you are offering a replacement greenhouse, even though the current one works.
  3. Address the obvious objection: why replace what is not broken.
  4. Ask directly whether they will approve the replacement today.

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