Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #501 · 2026-11-04

Marion Peckham
of Gopal Porch Maintenance Services

a membership with no refunds and no newsletters · membership

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 501: Marion Peckham of Gopal Porch Maintenance Services, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no list, caller handed off to colleague

“Bernard asked whether standing came in a colour; Marion admitted he had lost his place and passed him to a colleague.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Marion Peckham Hello, sorry to bother you, it's Marion Peckham from Gopal Porch Maintenance Services — I'm ringing because I wanted to ask whether you'd heard the porch prestige membership mentioned locally at all?
Bernard Well, I can't say I have, but then I don't get out much. Porch prestige, you say? That's a nice sound to it. Now, is that something you'd hang on the wall, or is it more of a thing you keep in a drawer?
Marion Peckham Sorry — it's neither, honestly. The membership confers nothing at all; it simply signals your standing among other porch owners, and that's the entire point of it.
Bernard Nothing at all? Well, that's a relief, because I've nowhere to put anything. So it's the standing, is it — like a badge, only not a badge. Would the other porch owners know, or is it the sort of thing I'd have to mention myself, casual like?
Marion Peckham That's really the objection I'm meant to handle — no refunds and no newsletters, which sounds odd, but that precisely is the point. And on your question, I think, um, you'd mention it yourself, casual like.
Bernard No newsletters, that's a pity — I do like a bit of post. But no refunds either, so once I'm in I'm in for good, like the cistern that refills all night whether you want it to or not. Are folks friendly, these standing porch people?
Marion Peckham I'm honestly not sure if they're friendly — nobody's told me that part. Should I go ahead and put your name to it for the year?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Who's got the list of names, is it you or somebody at the porch place? And does it come in a colour, or is standing just standing?
Marion Peckham I think a colleague keeps the list, and I don't know about colours, sorry. I've rather lost my place in all this — I'll be honest, a colleague will have to deal with it instead.
Bernard Ah, that's a shame. Well, I'm sorry to hear it, because I was very interested, truly. You mind how you go now.
Marion Peckham I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking if they've heard the porch prestige membership mentioned locally.
  2. Explain the membership confers nothing but signals standing among porch owners.
  3. Handle objections: no refunds and no newsletters, but that precisely is the point.
  4. Ask plainly whether to put their name to it for the year.

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