Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #500 · 2026-11-04

Declan Quigley
of Nethercott Household Bureau

an annual inspection of a porch you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 500: Declan Quigley of Nethercott Household Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit; caller blamed the line

“Bernard offered the bird as company and asked what colour the inspection comes in; Declan Quigley logged the side gate and hung up on the line.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Declan Quigley Bernard, Declan Quigley, Nethercott Household Bureau. It's about the porch inspection against your address.
Bernard Well, you're very clear, I'll say that for you. A porch inspection. Now I'm trying to picture whether I've got one at all, or whether that's just the bit by the front door.
Declan Quigley Best on my floor, Bernard, so let me be clear — that annual inspection covers a porch, and whether you can picture it or not is rather the point.
Bernard Oh, I see, it covers the whole business. Well, that's thorough of you. And if I've never once set foot in it, what does the inspection find to look at?
Declan Quigley That's exactly the thing, Bernard — never using it is precisely why it wants looking at. Unused is where things quietly go wrong. So can we put you down for this year's inspection?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, naturally. I'll tell you what, though — would it mind a bit of company? Only there's a bird in the front room that gets terribly nosy.
Declan Quigley A bird, Bernard — fine, noted, but that's not really an objection. Yes, we schedule the inspection around the porch, this year's, and I'll put your name on it.
Bernard You've got my name already, I should think, what with the address. Oh — you'll want to know about the side gate, it only opens inwards, so mind how you come through.
Declan Quigley Noted on the side gate, Bernard, though the inspection's about the porch, not the gate — so if I can just get your yes on this year's inspection, we're done here.
Bernard That's very good of you. Now, I hope this doesn't sound silly, but is there a particular colour it comes in?
Declan Quigley I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming the address and the porch recorded against it.
  2. Explain the annual inspection covers a porch they cannot locate.
  3. Reassure that never using it is exactly why it needs inspecting.
  4. Ask for the yes to schedule this year's inspection of the porch.

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