Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #499 · 2026-11-04

Denise Odgers
of Colesworth Dampcourse Ltd

a replacement for a hedge that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 499: Denise Odgers of Colesworth Dampcourse Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno go-ahead, no objection, caller withdrew to fight another day

“Caller asked for the go-ahead; Bernard asked after the bird, then looked out the window at next door's van.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Denise Odgers Hello there, Denise Odgers from Colesworth Dampcourse Ltd, brilliant to catch you. I'm ringing about your hedge — we do replacements, and I'd love to talk you through it.
Bernard Oh, hello Denise, how lovely. Now, is it raining where you are? Only it's been spitting here since breakfast and I've a letter from the council about that hedge sitting on the sideboard I keep meaning to open.
Denise Odgers Ha, spitting here too, brilliant. So what we do at Colesworth Dampcourse is replace the hedge and upgrade that whole boundary line entirely.
Bernard That's very good of you. Now, would a replacement need much looking after? Because the bird's taken quite a shine to the present one and I'd not want to upset him.
Denise Odgers Oh, that's lovely feedback, thank you. Looking after it, no bother at all — it's a low-fuss thing. Your hedge is fine as it is, I'll grant you, but a replacement future-proofs the garden.
Bernard Well, future-proofing sounds sensible. I had a chap out once who said much the same, or was it about the guttering? Now what was it you're replacing again, sorry.
Denise Odgers Ha, the guttering, that's tickled me. It's your hedge — and here's the bit I need, could I get the go-ahead to book that in for you?
Bernard Oh, I see. Well, I'd have to think about it. Give me a moment, I'll just look at the front garden through the window… oh, is that a van stopping? No, just next door's.
Denise Odgers Sorry, I'll not pretend that went to plan. I've clearly lost you in the weeds here — same time next week and I'll give it another go, no bother at all.
Bernard Well, I'm sorry to hear that, and I was very interested, truly. You mind the traffic on the way home.
Denise Odgers I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself and Colesworth Dampcourse, brisk and businesslike.
  2. Explain you replace hedges, upgrading the boundary line entirely.
  3. Concede the hedge is fine, but a replacement future-proofs the garden.
  4. Ask for the go-ahead to book the hedge replacement.

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