Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #49 · 2026-10-20

Graham Tulley
of Mossbarrow Lane Domestic Amenities

a licensed ladder for the loft you don't have · loft access

27
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno loft, no rungs, no postcode, no exit

“Caller offered a ladder with no rungs for a loft with no access; customer offered milk and put the phone down by the kettle.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Graham Tulley Good evening — Graham Tulley here, Mossbarrow Lane Domestic Amenities. Am I right in thinking you don't currently have a loft?
Bernard Oh — well — now, that's a good question. There's a hatch up there, I'm fairly sure, but I've never been up. Mavis sits on the landing and stares at it sometimes, so perhaps she knows something I don't. Is it the mossy lane one you're from, or the other one?
Graham Tulley It's the Mossbarrow Lane one, yes — and a hatch is a promising start. Now, the statutory ladder licence runs a full twelve months from the day it's issued, which is standard for every loft.
Bernard Twelve months, right you are. My father used to say a year is twelve months however you slice it — which isn't a great deal of help, I suppose. And does the licence have to go on the wall, or would a drawer do? I've got a nice drawer.
Graham Tulley A drawer would do nicely, honestly. And here's the thing — the ladder arrives folded and stays folded, so it's really more of a decorative arrangement than anything you'd climb.
Bernard Oh, that's sensible. I'm not much of a climber these days, not with my knee. Would it stand up in the hall, do you think, or does it lie down? Only Mavis is fussy about things standing up in the hall.
Graham Tulley It lies down, so Mavis needn't worry. Just to confirm, though — the annual inspection fee applies regardless of whether the ladder's ever unfolded, so that's twelve months of licensed peace of mind.
Bernard Twelve months again — you said that before, didn't you. Now, is the fee the same whether it's a good year or a bad one? My neighbour had a bad year, entirely his own doing, mind. Sorry — go on, you were saying about peace of mind.
Graham Tulley Same fee either way, good year or bad. And there's the extended rung warranty — a limited upgrade, but it covers every rung the ladder hasn't got.
Bernard Well, that's very thorough of them. How many rungs are we talking about, roughly — none, or a couple? I only ask because Mavis counts things. She does the stairs, every morning, and I'm not sure she'd take to a ladder with no rungs in it.
Graham Tulley No rungs at all, I'm afraid — it's a very minimal design. Now, to register the inaccessible loft, could I just take your postcode?
Bernard Inaccessible, yes, that's the word I was after. Now — the postcode — I've got it written on a card by the kettle. Hold on, I'll just put the phone down. Do you take milk? I'm making one anyway.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Confirm which loft the customer does not currently own.
  2. Explain the statutory ladder licence runs twelve months.
  3. Note the ladder arrives folded and stays folded.
  4. Mention the annual inspection fee applies regardless.
  5. Offer the extended rung warranty as a limited upgrade.
  6. Ask for the postcode to register the inaccessible loft.

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