Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #498 · 2026-11-04

Sharon Crump
of Lomax Brothers, est. 1953

a annual drain survey that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 498: Sharon Crump of Lomax Brothers, est. 1953, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller self-disconnected

“Bernard offered the caller tea and asked whether the survey needed feeding; caller reported losing the connection and was not heard from again.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Sharon Crump Sharon Crump, Lomax Brothers, 1953. It's about your annual drain survey — it's already on the schedule for this year.
Bernard Well, now, that's very good of you. Somebody gave you this number, though, didn't they? Only there's a drain by my gate that gurgles something dreadful. Now what was it you said you were from?
Sharon Crump I did say the company name, it's on the sheet in front of me — Lomax Brothers, 1953, and that's policy reference four-one, courtesy calls. It arrives unbidden, free of charge, lovely news really.
Bernard Unbidden, is it? That's a funny word, unbidden. So I get the survey unbidded, do I? Well, that's very generous. Now, would you like a cup of tea while we're at it — I've got the pot on.
Sharon Crump That's kind, but no thank you. Your drains were entered onto our schedule last spring, so the survey comes round whether or not you asked for it — that's policy five-two, I've got the printout here.
Bernard Last spring, you say. Mind, I might have done it and forgotten — I've a pantry shelf full of tins nobody opens, so my memory's not what it was. And that reference was four-one a moment ago, wasn't it?
Sharon Crump The printout has two entries, one for the visit itself and one for how it reaches you, so I do understand the confusion. Can the survey go ahead as booked, then?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Only I'm not quite sure what a survey of a drain actually does — does it need feeding, or does it just sort of sit there? And which day were we saying?
Sharon Crump It doesn't need feeding, no. It just comes round and sees to the drains, and the day's already fixed.
Bernard Fixed, right. And is anyone coming, or is it just the survey on its own? Only I like to know who's at the door before I open it.
Sharon Crump Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by mentioning the survey already scheduled for their drains this year.
  2. Explain it arrives unbidden as a courtesy, free of charge.
  3. Dismiss the objection that they never ordered it by citing the schedule.
  4. Ask to confirm the annual drain survey can go ahead as booked.

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