Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #497 · 2026-11-04

Aisling Zouch
of Cresswell Chimney Sweeping and Son

a membership with no refunds and no savings · membership

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 497: Aisling Zouch of Cresswell Chimney Sweeping and Son, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no refund, no register entry

“Bernard asked whether the club was just the list of names; the caller could not confirm who keeps the order and hung up on himself.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Aisling Zouch Hello, sorry to bother you — it's Aisling Zouch from Cresswell Chimney Sweeping and Son? I'm ringing about a membership, if that's all right, sorry.
Bernard Well, hello there. Now — are you selling, or asking? Only I like to know which, so I can put the right face on.
Aisling Zouch Selling, I'm afraid, sorry — it's the Founder's Register. There's no refund and no savings whatsoever, that's rather the whole thing, and honestly I'm not sure I've explained that bit very well yet.
Bernard Oh, explained very well, very well indeed. No refund and no savings — so it's a bit like my immersion heater, which has two settings and neither of them do anything. What would I be getting, then, in the way of goods?
Aisling Zouch Nothing, that's the point — sorry, I know that sounds odd. Having nothing is precisely the prestige, it's all about the name being in the register and very little else. Am I saying that right, do you think?
Bernard You're saying it beautifully. So it's a bit like being in a club where the club is just the list of names. Would my name be near the top, or just wherever there's a gap?
Aisling Zouch Near the top, I should think, though I'm not actually sure who keeps the order, sorry. Should I put your name down then — would that be a yes?
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. I'd want to think on it — is there a form of words, or do you just say my name down the phone and it's done?
Aisling Zouch You just say it down the phone, I think — though I've only done this three weeks, so I may have that wrong. To confirm, it's a yes, is it?
Bernard Three weeks — you're doing grand, honestly. Look, I'll say this much, I was very interested, but I think I'd best leave it there. Sorry to have kept you.
Aisling Zouch Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as Cresswell Chimney Sweeping and Son, the name on the card.
  2. Pitch the Founder's Register: a no-refund, no-savings membership conferring prestige and nothing else.
  3. Address the obvious objection: no benefits is precisely the point of prestige.
  4. Ask for the yes — should I put your name in the register?

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