Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #494 · 2026-11-04

Trevor Petley
of Garrowby Group Holdings

a certificate confirming a loft hatch is structurally adequate · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 494: Trevor Petley of Garrowby Group Holdings, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no certificate, no hatch inspected

“Bernard asked whether the certificate came in green; Trevor checked the sheet and confirmed it did not.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Trevor Petley Hello there, sorry to bother you — Trevor, from Garrowby Group Holdings. It's about a loft hatch, if you have a moment.
Bernard Oh, hello there. Is that the front door or the back door you're at? Only I've got coats in the spare room and I can never tell which way folks come round.
Trevor Petley Sorry, no, I'm not at any door — I'm on the phone, I should have said. Sorry, that's my fault entirely.
Bernard On the phone, of course — you must think I'm a right silly old thing. Well, it's very nice to hear from you anyway. Now, what was it about a hatch?
Trevor Petley Not silly at all, honestly. So the certificate — it just confirms the loft hatch is already structurally adequate as it stands. Nothing needs doing to it.
Bernard Oh, adequate. That's a lovely word, isn't it. So it just says it's fine as it is — well, that seems very sensible. Does it come in green, by any chance?
Trevor Petley Green — sorry, I don't think I've got that on the sheet. I'll be quick, though: people say they can see it's fine without paper, but the certificate is what makes it official, if that helps.
Bernard No, I take your point, paper's the thing. My late wife always said keep the paper. So should I say yes to you now, or will you want to look at the hatch yourself first?
Trevor Petley That's the thing, I don't actually come out to look — someone else does that, the surveying side. I'm just meant to ask whether to issue it today in the Group's name.
Bernard In whose name now — yours or somebody else's? I'd have to have a think about that, it's a big thing to put a name to.
Trevor Petley I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have the correct loft hatch at the Garrowby site.
  2. Explain the certificate simply states the hatch is already structurally adequate.
  3. Dismiss the objection that they can see it is fine without paper.
  4. Ask whether to issue the certificate today in the Group's name.

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