Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #493 · 2026-11-04

Brian Ottley
of The National Council of Loft Hatch Custodians

a membership with no discounts and no benefits · membership

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
18%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 493: Brian Ottley of The National Council of Loft Hatch Custodians, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no agreement, caller blamed the line

“Bernard compared the membership to a garden gate that does no one any good; Brian said the number was just the number and put him down anyway.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Brian Ottley Bernard, Brian Ottley here, The National Council of Loft Hatch Custodians. I'm ringing because you're the person responsible for the loft hatch, and I don't waste calls on anyone else.
Bernard Oh, that's very good of you. I've put my glasses down somewhere — say the first bit again, would you? The loft what, now?
Brian Ottley Loft hatch, Bernard. The National Council of Loft Hatch Custodians — you're the person responsible for it, and I can tell you are, so let's not pretend otherwise.
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about that. There's a hatch up there, I know that much. Are you the gentleman who does the little hooks, or is it the other thing?
Brian Ottley No hooks, Bernard. It's membership — standing only, no discounts, no benefits, nothing at all. And before you say it, that's rather the point.
Bernard Nothing at all? That's unusual. So it's a bit like the garden gate, then — sticks in wet weather, does no one any good, but you'd not be without it. How much would nothing cost me?
Brian Ottley Prestige is the whole of it, Bernard — usefulness isn't the aim and never has been. So I'll put you down at the full rate, no discount, and we can both get on with our day.
Bernard Oh, now, hold on. Full rate, you say — and what's that in real money, just so I can picture it? You'll have to bear with me, I'm a bit slow with figures.
Brian Ottley Forty dollars, Bernard, and it's imaginary anyway — the number's just the number. I've put you down, so let's call this done.
Bernard I'm sorry you've to dash off — I really was interested. You go on, and mind how you go.
Brian Ottley I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the person responsible for the loft hatch.
  2. Explain that membership confers standing only, no discounts, no benefits, nothing.
  3. Address the obvious objection: prestige is the entire point, usefulness is not.
  4. Ask for the yes to join at the full, undiscounted rate.

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