Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #491 · 2026-11-04

Mei Thripp
of Barrowmere Household Bureau

a fortnightly cupboard air subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 491: Mei Thripp of Barrowmere Household Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard asked whether the air came in green and whether it needed feeding; the caller clarified it was a service, not a thing, and was then lost to the loft.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Mei Thripp Good afternoon, this is Mei Thripp from Barrowmere Household Bureau — just ringing to check I've got the right householder at the registered address.
Bernard Oh, hello there. Before you start, is this the one about the gutters? Only I had a chap about the gutters last week and I never did find his number.
Mei Thripp No gutters here, Mr Pottle — that's a different department entirely, policy forty-two B, nothing to do with me. What I'm calling about is our fortnightly cupboard air service, which is a real convenience for the locality.
Bernard Cupboard air. Well, now, that's a new one on me. Does it come in green at all? Only the kitchen drawer is full of instructions and I'd like whatever goes in there to match.
Mei Thripp The colour isn't a factor, Mr Pottle, it's air, so it's more of a service than a thing. Now the important bit: the subscription carries on by itself every fortnight unless the Bureau is told otherwise, and that's policy eleven C, renewing automatically.
Bernard Carries on by itself, you say. That's very good of it. Now would it need feeding, do you think, or does it just get on quietly in the corner like the bird does?
Mei Thripp Air isn't a pet, Mr Pottle, it just sits there quietly. So shall we say yes and get your first fortnight started?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Tell you what, hold on a moment while I put the phone down and check the hall — I've a feeling there's something in the loft that ought to hear this too.
Mei Thripp Fine. A yes and I'll start the first delivery before I ring off.
Bernard I'll say yes in a moment, I really will. Just, the mouse has got into the insulation and I'd hate to sign for anything before I've had a proper look.
Mei Thripp Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the householder at the registered address.
  2. Describe the fortnightly cupboard air service as a convenience for the locality.
  3. Explain that the subscription renews itself unless the Bureau is told otherwise.
  4. Ask for the yes and offer to start the first fortnight.

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