Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #490 · 2026-11-04

Pauline Gaskell
of The Association of Certified Hedge Auditors

a certificate confirming a coal bunker is in daily use · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
6%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no bunker located, caller withdrew

“Caller asked Bernard to confirm daily use; Bernard asked whether the certificate could be kept in the porch. Caller then lost his own place in the script and ended it.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Pauline Gaskell Pauline Gaskell, The Association of Certified Hedge Auditors. Your coal bunker needs a certificate, and I'm the one who gets these done properly.
Bernard Oh, that's very good of you. Have you had your lunch, though? Only I've had mine and I'm at a bit of a loose end this afternoon.
Pauline Gaskell Bernard, it's a one-page document stating the bunker's in daily use, and that's the whole job. Shall I put you down for it today?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Now, would it be all right in a bungalow, this certificate? Only I'm not sure where the bunker actually is.
Pauline Gaskell Think nothing of it, Bernard. A bungalow, a shed, a lean-to, the certificate doesn't mind where it's kept, and obvious daily use only needs an official statement on file. Shall I put you down today?
Bernard Daily use. Right. Well, the thing is, I'm not sure the coal's been in it since the cistern started its nonsense. Shall I go and have a look and ring you back?
Pauline Gaskell No need for all that, Bernard, I've done hundreds of these and they run themselves. Let's just get the certificate sorted right now, yes?
Bernard Hundreds, you say. That's a lot of bunkers. Look, would the certificate mind being kept in the porch, do you think? It's the dry bit of the house.
Pauline Gaskell Look, Bernard, I'll be straight with you, I've rather lost where I was in all this. Pauline Gaskell, Association of Certified Hedge Auditors, and I'm afraid I've nothing further to add. Good afternoon.
Bernard Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, after you'd been so good about it all. I was very interested, truly — you mind how you go now.
Pauline Gaskell Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself and the Association of Certified Hedge Auditors.
  2. Offer certification confirming their coal bunker is in daily use.
  3. Reassure that obvious daily use just needs an official statement.
  4. Ask whether they will proceed with the certificate today.

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