Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #489 · 2026-11-04

Kirsty Quist
of Pendry and Sons, est. 1968

a annual chimney sweep that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
41%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictwarm lead, permanently warm

“Bernard offered the caller tea and a shove at the sticking lock; the caller offered a sweep that arrives unbidden, like the rain through the shed roof, and got neither.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Kirsty Quist Hello there, Kirsty Quist from Pendry and Sons, established 1968 — just ringing to confirm I've got the householder, lovely.
Bernard Well, you're very clear, I'll say that for you. Yes, that's me, I'm the one what answers the door. Mind you, the key's been sticking something dreadful in the lock lately, so if you ever do come round, give it a good shove.
Kirsty Quist Ha, brilliant, I'll give it a good shove — noted! Now, the yearly sweep with Pendry and Sons is booked in automatically as a courtesy, so there's nothing at all for you to arrange.
Bernard Booked in automatic, is it? Oh, that's a weight off, I never know what day of the week it is since I stopped going to the shops. Is that the chimney sweep now, or did you say something else?
Kirsty Quist Ha, no, the sweep, definitely the sweep — brilliant question. And the lovely thing is, an unbidden visit still costs exactly the same, and it keeps the flue lovely and safe.
Bernard Unbidden, right. So I don't have to ask and you just turn up — like the rain through the shed roof, that comes unbidden too. And the cost is the same, you said? Same as what, sorry, my left ear's a bit funny in this chair.
Kirsty Quist Oh, that's a gorgeous way to put it, like the rain, I love that. Same as the usual sweep — forty dollars a year, flat, nothing extra for the surprise of it.
Bernard Forty a year. Well, that's not so bad, I had in mind forty a visit, so you've done me a good turn there. Would you like a cup of tea while we sort it out? I've got the pot on, it's no trouble.
Kirsty Quist Ah, you're a gem, but I can't stop, sadly. So shall I keep the yearly sweep on the calendar for you?
Bernard Oh, that's very good of you, yes, I'm very interested. It's just I had it in my head the sweep was every two years, so I'll want to have a think.
Kirsty Quist Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the householder, warmly, as Pendry and Sons.
  2. Explain the yearly sweep is booked automatically as a courtesy, no request needed.
  3. Reassure that an unbidden visit still costs the same and keeps the flue safe.
  4. Ask for the yes to keep the standing annual sweep on the calendar.

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