Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #48 · 2026-10-20

Deborah Finch
of Wrenlow & Cade Domestic Provisions

a yearly subscription to your own garden hose · hose reclamation

27
Minutes on the line
9%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, hose retains its job

“Caller asked the customer to check behind the shed; customer checked behind the shed. Neither party can now say why.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Deborah Finch Good afternoon, is that Bernard? Deborah Finch here from Wrenlow & Cade Domestic Provisions — I'm just confirming you still own a garden hose somewhere.
Bernard Oh — well — hello! Yes, I've got a hose, it's the green one, coiled by the shed like a sleeping snake. Hang on, did you say provisions? Are you the ones with the van that does the eggs on Tuesdays?
Deborah Finch No eggs, I'm afraid, we don't do vans. But great news about the hose — the subscription simply lets you keep on using the hose you already paid for.
Bernard Keep using it — well, that's very good of you. I'd have to think about it, mind. Oh — do excuse me, Mavis is doing that noise she does. She's a parrot. She's never once said a word but she's an excellent listener.
Deborah Finch That's lovely. And just to confirm, the subscription includes a free quarterly reminder — four times a year we let you know the hose still exists, so it never slips your mind.
Bernard Four times a year, you say? Well now, that's better than the radio licence. Would that be alphabetically or just the usual quartering? And would the reminder come by post? I do like a letter I can hold.
Deborah Finch It's the usual quartering. But I should be honest with you, Bernard — if your coverage lapses, your hose may forget its job. That's not a risk worth taking with a green one.
Bernard Forget its job? Well, I've had days like that myself, truth be told. Now — which quarter is it that lapses? Because I always get that muddled, it's the second quarter isn't it, or the third. Mavis would know but she keeps it to herself.
Deborah Finch I couldn't give you the exact quarter off the top of my head, sorry. What I can do, though, is offer a reduced rate if you only ever water things indoors — would that suit you?
Bernard Indoors, indoors — oh, do you mean like the kitchen sink? I do water the cheese plant in the front room, it's got very above itself lately. Do you think the hose would mind coming inside? It's quite a shy thing, it doesn't like the hoover.
Deborah Finch I'm sure it'd manage. Look — I've rather lost my place in the list, and I've been at this all afternoon, so I'll just be honest: could you do me a kindness and have a look behind the shed?
Bernard Behind the shed — right you are. Oh, the kettle's just gone, but never mind that. Now you have a nice cup of tea yourself and mind the traffic on your way home, whatever your name was again. It was something with a D, wasn't it.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they still own a garden hose somewhere.
  2. Explain that the subscription lets them keep using the hose they already paid for.
  3. Mention the free quarterly reminder that the hose exists.
  4. Warn that lapsing coverage means the hose may forget its job.
  5. Offer a reduced rate if they only ever water things indoors.
  6. Close warmly and ask them to check behind the shed.

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