Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #485 · 2026-11-04

Gordon Pettigrew
of Mossbarrow Threshold Bureau

an annual inspection of a greenhouse you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 485: Gordon Pettigrew of Mossbarrow Threshold Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no structure, no location

“Bernard offered the caller the back step to stand on; caller declined to say where the structure was, or whether it was spring.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gordon Pettigrew Bernard, good afternoon — Gordon Pettigrew at Mossbarrow Threshold Bureau. You hold a glasshouse, and I'm ringing to get this year's inspection squared away.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you, Gordon. I had the wireless on and I've lost the thread of it, so you'll have to bear with me. A glasshouse, is that the glass sort out the back?
Gordon Pettigrew The annual inspection covers a structure you're unable to put your hands on, Bernard. That's the whole point of it.
Bernard Oh, I like that. So it's the inspection of something nobody can find. My wheelie bin's missing its lid and I've looked everywhere for that, so I'm well practised.
Gordon Pettigrew Not being able to lay hands on it is no barrier at all, Bernard — we inspect it regardless. We're very good at that side of things. So I'll put you down for the approval, shall I?
Bernard You're very good at it, are you? Well, I'd have to think about it, only I'm not sure where you'd stand to look at a thing that isn't there. Would it want the back step? That one's lower than it looks.
Gordon Pettigrew Where we stand is our problem, Bernard, not yours. All I need is your yes on this year's inspection of the, ah, the structure in question.
Bernard Yes, well, that's decent of you to shoulder it. Now — the inspection, is it the spring one or the autumn one? Only I had it down as a Thursday, but that might be the bins.
Gordon Pettigrew Spring or autumn doesn't matter a jot, Bernard, the inspection's the same either way. I'll just take the approval from you and we'll call that done.
Bernard Ah, that's a shame. I'm sorry to hear it — I was very interested, truly — but you go on, and mind the traffic on the way home.
Gordon Pettigrew I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as Mossbarrow Threshold Bureau and confirm they hold a greenhouse.
  2. Explain the annual inspection covers a greenhouse they cannot locate.
  3. Reassure that not finding it poses no barrier to inspecting it.
  4. Ask them to approve this year's inspection of the unfound greenhouse.

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