Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #486 · 2026-11-04

Sione Hollins
of Ncube Brothers, est. 1846

a six-weekly boiler noise reports subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 486: Sione Hollins of Ncube Brothers, est. 1846, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard asked whether the subscription needed feeding; the caller blamed the line, which Bernard had already cleared.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Sione Hollins Hello, um, sorry to bother you — my name's Sione Hollins, from Ncube Brothers? We've been going since 1846, and I'm calling about your boiler noise reports.
Bernard Well, hello there. Are you selling, or asking? Only I like to know which it is before I settle in.
Sione Hollins Selling, I think — sorry, that's a bit blunt. It's a six-weekly boiler noise report, and honestly the best bit is it renews itself, so you never have to remember anything.
Bernard Six-weekly, you say? And it renews itself — does it need feeding, then, or does it just get on quietly by itself?
Sione Hollins It just gets on quietly, no feeding needed. Sorry, I should have said — most people say they never asked for boiler noise reports in the first place, and that's completely fair.
Bernard Oh, that's fair all right, I'm sure I never did. But now you've told me, I'm quite taken with the notion.
Sione Hollins Oh, lovely — thank you. So just to confirm, shall I put you down to start it?
Bernard Well, now, I'd have to think about it. Hold on a moment while I check the immersion heater — it's got two settings and I can never recall which one's which.
Sione Hollins No, of course, take your time. Sorry — is this a bad hour for you at all? I've been wondering if it's the line.
Bernard No, no, the line's fine, it's my left ear that's the trouble, and I won't admit to that. I've forgotten what we were starting, if I'm honest.
Sione Hollins I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself and Ncube Brothers, noting the firm's founding in 1846.
  2. Describe the six-weekly boiler noise reports and how self-renewal makes life easier.
  3. Address the likely objection: they never asked for boiler noise reports.
  4. Ask for the yes to start the subscription, mentioning it renews automatically.

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