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Call #484 · 2026-11-04

Fergus Lashley
of The Hollinsgrove Trust

a certificate confirming the meter cupboard is suitable for its address · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 484: Fergus Lashley of The Hollinsgrove Trust, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller hung up on himself

“Bernard asked whether the certificate would need feeding; Fergus asked if anyone was still there and answered himself.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Fergus Lashley Fergus Lashley, The Hollinsgrove Trust. Ringing about your meter cupboard, whether anyone's ever formally confirmed it.
Bernard Oh, well, nobody's ever confirmed anything in this house, I don't think. The cupboard under the stairs just does its job, quietly, like the rest of us. And who's Hollinsgrove when he's at home then?
Fergus Lashley Right, so that's what The Hollinsgrove Trust does — the certificate validates that the cupboard's suitable for its current address. It's a piece of paper that says so.
Bernard Suitable for its address. Well I never. Does it have to match, like a key to a lock? Only my brother-in-law's a joiner, he'd have views, and he's not a man you can hurry.
Fergus Lashley Sure, sure. And look, I know it's plainly fine, but compliance isn't the same as suitability — that's the whole bit. So shall I go ahead and issue it today?
Bernard Oh, I'm very interested, I am. Now — is there a smell to it? The certificate I mean. Only the cupboard's got that warm towel smell and I'd hate the paper to clash.
Fergus Lashley Honestly, I've made this call so many times today I'm not sure any of it's even real. Do you want me to issue it or not?
Bernard You sound worn out, lad. Put your feet up a minute and tell me — is it raining where you are? I've got the kettle on anyway, it's no bother.
Fergus Lashley No, it's fine. Glad you're interested, though. Hollinsgrove, certification, cupboard — we can do the whole thing today if you'll just say the word.
Bernard The whole thing today. That's very good of you. Now — will it want feeding, this certificate? Or does it just sit there?
Fergus Lashley Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by mentioning their meter cupboard and asking if it's ever been formally confirmed
  2. Explain the Hollinsgrove Trust certificate validates the cupboard's suitability for its current address
  3. Address the obvious point that the cupboard is plainly fine by saying compliance isn't the same as suitability
  4. Ask for the yes to issue the certificate today

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