Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #479 · 2026-11-03

Kwame Chaudhry
of Wrentlow Property Bureau

a certificate confirming a chimney is in daily use · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 479: Kwame Chaudhry of Wrentlow Property Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictwarm lead, permanently warm, caller withdrew

“Bernard offered the caller cold pie and condolences for a floor that had given up; the caller blamed the line and hung up on a live lead.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Kwame Chaudhry Hello there, this is Kwame Chaudhry from Wrentlow Property Bureau, and we're ringing because we understand you own a chimney you use regularly.
Bernard Oh, hello! Have you had your lunch? I only ask because I've just had a bit of cold pie and I can't recommend it. Now then — a chimney, you say. Yes, I've got one of those. It's up on the roof, I think.
Kwame Chaudhry I had something, thank you, and the whole team here says mind that cold pie. So the certificate just records the daily use you've already told us about.
Bernard Records it, does it? Well, that's very thorough of you. It's just — I had a letter from the council about the hedge, and I keep thinking anything that arrives is about that. Do you need me to read anything out?
Kwame Chaudhry No reading needed, and I understand about the letter. Now, some people say it's just a written record of the obvious, but that's exactly the point — it puts the daily use on paper.
Bernard Oh, I see. Well, on paper is better than in my head — things do wander off. And it's daily, is it? Because some days I have it lit and some days I don't, and the squirrel on the bird feeder doesn't care either way.
Kwame Chaudhry Daily as in regularly used, and the squirrel doesn't need to be consulted. So, as team leader this week, I'd like to ask the whole floor's question — shall we send the certificate out this week?
Bernard Send it out, yes — I'm very interested, I am. Though I should say, it's my sister who does Christmas, not me, so don't send it to her by mistake. What was the firm called again?
Kwame Chaudhry Wrentlow Property Bureau. And we're all quite pleased to have you interested — shall I just put this week down for the certificate?
Bernard Put it down, put it down. Oh — but hold on, I've got nowhere to be, don't rush me. Actually, I'm sorry to hear you've all given up, that must be a blow to the whole floor. I was very interested, truly.
Kwame Chaudhry I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they own a chimney and use it regularly.
  2. Explain the certificate records the daily use they already confirm.
  3. Dismiss the objection that this is just a written record of the obvious.
  4. Ask whether to send the certificate out this week.

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