Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #478 · 2026-11-03

Douglas Prasad
of Eriksen Porch Maintenance Services

an annual inspection of a soakaway you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
18%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Caller offered to locate a soakaway Bernard has never used; Bernard counter-offered an umbrella. Caller rang off, promising to return.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Douglas Prasad Douglas Prasad, Eriksen Porch Maintenance Services. Ringing about the annual soakaway inspection, mostly because it's Tuesday and this is the eleventh thousand time I've said that sentence.
Bernard Well, hello there, Douglas. Now then, is that the front door or the back door you're at? Because I've got the greenhouse out the back, and there's a wasp in the kitchen window giving me a look.
Douglas Prasad Right, well, I'm not at either door, I'm on the phone. The inspection covers the soakaway you've never used, which is convenient, seeing as you've never used it.
Bernard Ah, the soakaway. Now, is that the one with the thing on it? Because I've never used it, that's quite right, never had the need. My late wife used to say the same, and she was usually right about these matters.
Douglas Prasad Fair enough. See, that's the thing, we can't find it either, so the inspection locates it first and then we're all square.
Bernard Oh, well, that's very good of you. Finding it for me. Do you do that with other things as well, or is it just the soakaways? Only I can't find my best umbrella anywhere.
Douglas Prasad Just soakaways, I'm afraid. So shall I put you down for this year's inspection and we'll get the annual cycle started?
Bernard The annual cycle. That sounds rather nice, like a bicycle. Does it need much looking after, this cycle? I'd want to know what I'm letting myself in for before I say yes to anything.
Douglas Prasad I'm not going to get anywhere this afternoon, am I. I'll try you again another day, when you've got a minute.
Bernard Sorry to hear that, I really was interested. You take care now.
Douglas Prasad I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have the right household and the right soakaway records.
  2. Explain the annual soakaway inspection covers the soakaway they have never used.
  3. Address the obvious objection: you cannot find it, so inspection locates it first.
  4. Ask for the yes to book this year's inspection and start the annual cycle.

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