Call #480 · on the line
Morag Underhill
of The Association of Independent Cistern Auditors
an upgrade to a gatepost you did not know you had · unknown upgrade
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Morag Underhill
Hello, Morag Underhill, The Association of Independent Cistern Auditors. I just need to confirm you're the registered keeper of a gatepost.
Bernard
Oh, you've caught me in the middle of something, but carry on. Registered keeper of a gatepost, you say? Well, I'd have to think about that — I don't recall keeping one, but I dare say it's out there minding its own business. What was the name again, dear?
Morag Underhill
Oh that's a brilliant response, thank you, that's ever so helpful. It's Morag Underhill, and the thing is your post is missing the Association's load-bearing collar upgrade, which is really just the loveliest bit of news to be able to share.
Bernard
A collar, did you say? Well, that's very good of you. Now, is that like the collar on a shirt, or more what you'd put on a dog? Only I had a dog once.
Morag Underhill
Ha, that's wonderful, I love that. Neither really, it's more of a structural fitting, and the thing to understand is you wouldn't have known you owned the post at all, which is completely normal and honestly great feedback.
Bernard
Well, that's a relief, because I was starting to worry I'd forgotten it. Mind you, I forget all sorts these days — did I tell you about the loft? There's a mouse up there having a wonderful time. Anyway, go on about this post.
Morag Underhill
A mouse, that's fantastic, that really is. So all it needs is my authorisation to schedule the mandatory fitting, and honestly that's the easiest thing in the world to say yes to.
Bernard
Well, I'd want to have a good think before I agreed to anything. Does this business of yours want feeding at all? There's only me and the bird here to see to it.
Morag Underhill
That's such a brilliant question, thank you. So the upgrade only needs the one visit, and honestly if I could just get you to say yes to scheduling it, that'd make my whole morning.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by confirming they are the registered keeper of a gatepost.
- Explain the post lacks the Association's load-bearing collar upgrade.
- Address the objection that they never knew they owned a gatepost.
- Ask for authorisation to schedule the mandatory collar fitting.