Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #477 · 2026-11-03

Callum Jankowski
of The Institute of Certified Hedge Auditors

a replacement for a fence panel that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Caller booked Bernard against his name, then lost the line before Bernard could find his glasses or his diary, which is a stack of notices in the porch.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Callum Jankowski Gary, it's Callum Jankowski at the Institute of Certified Hedge Auditors, and I'm ringing about the hedge line — do you have two minutes?
Bernard Oh, hello there. Well, I was just thinking about something else entirely, so start again — who did you say? Callum, was it? That's a good Scottish name. You've caught me at a very good moment, I've nothing on at all.
Callum Jankowski Bernard, good — you're free, so this is easy. The Institute runs a certified replacement panel programme, meaning we swap out a hedge panel that's structurally sound for a certified one, whether it needs it or not.
Bernard Swap out a panel that doesn't need swapping. That's a new one on me, I don't mind saying. And it stays a hedge, does it, this panel? Only I've had a laurel out the back for thirty years and I'm very fond of it.
Callum Jankowski Your laurel's perfectly safe, Bernard, and this is the part people get snagged on — nothing's broken, true, but the certification itself lapses every year regardless. Shall I book the panel audit for this week?
Bernard Lapses every year, like a passport. Well, I'd have to look at the diary, only my diary's really a stack of notices pinned up in the porch, and I can never find the one I want. What day were you thinking?
Callum Jankowski I'm thinking you've already said yes, Bernard, so let's not lose the run of it. Say Thursday, and I'll put the audit in for Thursday — does Thursday work?
Bernard Thursday, Thursday. Now, is that this Thursday or the one after? Because the one after I'm meant to be somewhere, though I couldn't tell you where. And do I need to be out in the garden for it, or can I watch from the window?
Callum Jankowski Bernard, the audit's in the book — I've got your name against it. All I need now is for you to say the word and we're done.
Bernard You've got my name against it already? That's very efficient. I'm very interested, I really am, but you'll have to give me a moment to get my glasses and see what's written down.
Callum Jankowski Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as Callum Jankowski, Institute of Certified Hedge Auditors, calling about the hedge line.
  2. Explain the certified replacement panel programme for hedges that are structurally sound.
  3. Address the obvious objection: nothing's broken, but certification still expires annually.
  4. Ask for the yes on booking the replacement panel audit this week.

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