Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #474 · 2026-11-03

Pauline Wainwright
of Bellhouse Driveway Sealing Ltd

a twice-yearly hedge trimmings subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
6%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 474: Pauline Wainwright of Bellhouse Driveway Sealing Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, caller retreated to post, Bernard still holding calendar

“Bernard asked whether the trimmings would be fed; the caller offered to post the leaflet instead and hung up on his own subscription.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Pauline Wainwright Hello, Pauline Wainwright here, Bellhouse Driveway Sealing Ltd. We'd like to ask how your garden waste currently leaves the property.
Bernard Oh, hello Pauline. Well, now, are you selling, or asking? Either's fine, I've got all afternoon. The garden waste mostly just sits there, if I'm honest — I keep meaning to do something about it, then I look at it and have a cup of something instead.
Pauline Wainwright Sitting there is exactly the situation we hear about most, Bernard. Which is why we — the whole team and I, since I'm team leader now — would like to offer the twice-yearly hedge trimmings subscription: tidy, regular, and all handled for you.
Bernard Team leader, well, congratulations, that's very good of you. Twice-yearly, you say? And that's the clippings off the hedges, is it, or do they take the trimmings away? I only ask because the loft hatch up there won't stay up and I've nowhere sensible to put anything.
Pauline Wainwright Both, really — they trim the hedges and they take the trimmings away, twice a year, and it's all very tidy. And the best part is the renewal is automatic, so you never have to reorder — it just comes round again on its own.
Bernard Right, so it just comes round on its own, like the seasons. Very interested, now what was it you called that again? And would the people coming want feeding, only I'd put something on.
Pauline Wainwright The Bellhouse twice-yearly hedge trimmings subscription — and no feeding needed, Bernard, they're in and out. Should we put you down for the first collection this season?
Bernard Oh, that's a shame, nobody ever wants a cup of tea these days. Let me just find my glasses and look at the calendar in the hall — it's a bit of a walk, so don't you go anywhere.
Pauline Wainwright We'll wait — the whole floor's listening in, that's the sort of team we are. Just to confirm, then: the first collection this season, and the renewal takes care of itself after that.
Bernard I've got the calendar down and there's a thing written on the twelfth that I can't make head nor tail of. It's either the chimney man or my sister, and I'm fairly sure it's not my sister. What was the first one again — the twelfth or the... oh, bother.
Pauline Wainwright I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking how their garden waste currently leaves the property.
  2. Explain the twice-yearly hedge trimmings subscription as tidy convenience.
  3. Address the objection: renewal is automatic, so they never reorder.
  4. Ask for the yes on the first collection this season.

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