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Call #473 · 2026-11-03

Brian Lashley
of Netherby Hearth Bureau

a fortnightly fence review that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
9%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 473: Brian Lashley of Netherby Hearth Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, gate noted, cistern pending

“Bernard asked whether the review was a review or a re-view, then mentioned the bird; Brian handed the file to a colleague and left.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Brian Lashley Hello, sorry to bother you, my name's Brian Lashley, I'm calling from the Netherby Hearth Bureau. I'm ringing about a fortnightly fence review, if you've a moment.
Bernard Is it raining where you are, Brian? Because it's been coming down sideways here since lunch and I've been watching a blackbird shelter under the gutter.
Brian Lashley Oh, it's tipping down here too, sorry. Er, the thing is, my lot send out a fortnightly fence review on the house, just a neighbourly sort of thing, no fuss.
Bernard Well that's very good of you. Now, is it a fence review or a fence re-view? Only I've had the loft insulation done, or was it the gutters, and I'm not sure they'd take to a fence.
Brian Lashley Sorry, that's my fault for rushing it. It's a fence review, see, someone comes and takes a look at your fence every two weeks, even though you never asked for it, and that's the whole courtesy of it.
Bernard Ah, so nobody's asked and in it comes anyway, like the cat. I like the sound of that, actually. Does the person doing the reviewing need a cup of something, or do they bring their own?
Brian Lashley Oh, no need to worry about cups, it's all arranged. That's just it, you see, nobody's asked and in it comes anyway, and that's exactly the courtesy I keep trying to explain.
Bernard Then I'd have to think about it, but I'm very interested. Tell me, would they mind terribly if the gate sticks? Only I lean on it to get my breath and it's never been quite the same since.
Brian Lashley That's quite all right, I'll make a note about the gate. So just to confirm, would you accept the fortnightly fence review, then?
Bernard Well, I'd say yes in principle, only I've just remembered the cistern's been refilling all night and I want to catch it before the noise gets worse. What was it you wanted me to accept, again?
Brian Lashley I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as calling from the Netherby Hearth Bureau, courteously.
  2. Explain the fortnightly fence review arrives unbidden, as a neighbourly service.
  3. Address the objection that nobody requested it by stressing the courtesy.
  4. Ask whether they will accept the fortnightly fence review.

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