Call #472 · 2026-11-03
Carol Yeardley
of The Institute of Registered Loft Hatch Inspectors
an annual inspection of a garden gate you have never used · inspection
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit; caller blamed the line
“Bernard offered tea, a Tuesday.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Carol Yeardley
Bernard, it's Carol Yeardley at the Institute of Registered Loft Hatch Inspectors, and I'm ringing because your garden gate is due its annual inspection.
Bernard
Well, that's a lovely surprise. Carol, is it? I've got a bird in the front room that's been staring at me all morning, so you're a welcome change. Garden gate, you say — now, which one would that be?
Carol Yeardley
Bernard, good to hear you — I'll come to the gate in a moment. It's the annual inspection, used or not, and I'd like to put you in for this year.
Bernard
Used or not — well, that's fair, it's not as though I've been out there much. Oh, and would you like a cup of tea while we talk? I'd have to put the phone down to make it, mind.
Carol Yeardley
No need, Bernard, you keep your seat — we're nearly there. The gate's location may be a mystery, but that's rather the point: we'll come out and find it for you.
Bernard
Oh, that's very good of you. I like a puzzle as much as the next man. It'll be round the side somewhere, past the bittercress. What day would you be coming? I've got nowhere to be, so any day suits.
Carol Yeardley
Now that's what I like to hear, Bernard — I'll take that as a yes, then. Let's get this year's garden gate inspection scheduled and I'll have it all squared away.
Bernard
I shouldn't say a flat yes, mind — I'd want to think about it. Oh, and don't go by the clock in the hall, it runs four minutes fast. Is it a Tuesday you'd be coming?
Carol Yeardley
I'm the best on this floor, Bernard, so trust me on the timing — the gate first, and Tuesday sorts itself. Just to confirm, we'll put you down for this year's inspection, yes?
Bernard
Well, I'm very interested, I really am, so I won't say no. But I ought to have a proper think first, if that's all right.
Carol Yeardley
I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Introduce yourself and the Institute of Registered Loft Hatch Inspectors.
- Offer the annual inspection of their garden gate, used or not.
- Address the objection: the gate's location is unknown; reassure them we will look.
- Ask for the yes to schedule this year's garden gate inspection.
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