Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #471 · 2026-11-03

Roy Balogun
of Crump Brothers, est. 1962

a replacement for a washing machine that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 471: Roy Balogun of Crump Brothers, est. 1962, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no date, no tea accepted

“Bernard offered the good cups and a free Tuesday; Roy declined both and left the machine running.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Roy Balogun Roy Balogun, Crump Brothers. Ringing about your washing machine — how old is it, and where does it live?
Bernard Oh, well, now, it lives out in the back porch, and it must be, oh, twelve years old if it's a day. Mind you, the little squirrel came right up to the feeder this morning and didn't touch a thing, so it's a funny old day all round. What was it about the machine again?
Roy Balogun Right. Twelve years. Well, the replacement unit — Crump Brothers, same footprint as yours, newer drum, and we deliver it and plumb it in. What day suits?
Bernard Same footprint, you say. Well, that's very good of you. Oh, but hold on — did you mean plum it in, like a plum? I'd have to have a think about the day, really. What does the newer drum actually do that mine doesn't?
Roy Balogun Fine, fair. Yours still runs, I know — but for how much longer, that's the question, and a replacement answers it now rather than later. So what day do you want the delivery?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, I really would. I'm not one for rushing into a day, and my diary's a bit of a muddle with the bins and the whatnot. Would you like a cup of tea while we work it out?
Roy Balogun I can't come in for tea, Bernard, that's not how this works. What have you got on the calendar — any morning at all?
Bernard Oh, well, that's a shame, I'd have put the good cups out. Let me think — Tuesdays are no good, that's when I do nothing in particular, and I like to keep it free. What was it you said the new one does again, exactly?
Roy Balogun It's a washer, Bernard. It washes. Same as yours, only younger — I've said that already, I know. Look, I'll try you another day, all right?
Bernard Well, I'm very sorry to hear that, I was quite looking forward to it. You take care now, and mind the traffic on the way home — it's been ever so nice being asked.
Roy Balogun I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking how old the washing machine is and where it lives.
  2. Explain the replacement unit: same footprint, newer drum, delivered and plumbed.
  3. Concede the old one still runs, then point out how long it will.
  4. Ask for the yes: a delivery date, not a repair visit.

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