Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #468 · 2026-11-03

Aoife Jankowski
of Dlamini, Asquith and Pinnock Driveway Sealing Partnership

a certificate confirming a radiator is still where you left it · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 468: Aoife Jankowski of Dlamini, Asquith and Pinnock Driveway Sealing Partnership, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit; caller withdrew

“Bernard asked whether the certificate would need feeding and offered the caller a biscuit; Aoife said she'd been at it since half eight and let him get back to his afternoon.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Aoife Jankowski Aoife Jankowski, Dlamini, Asquith and Pinnock Driveway Sealing Partnership. It's about your radiators — are you the one who owns them?
Bernard Oh, hello there. Have you had your lunch? I've got a bit of cold something in the fridge, but you don't want to hear about that. Radiators, you said — I'm the one, yes, as far as I know. Now what was it again?
Aoife Jankowski The paperwork confirms every unit is still where it was installed. Shall I go ahead and issue it to the address on record?
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. I'd have to think about it, mind. Is it a green one? Only I've got a bit of a thing about green, and the porch here has all sorts of notices pinned up in it.
Aoife Jankowski You can see it sitting there, I know, that's the bit everyone says. But mine says so officially, and that's the whole point of the exercise.
Bernard Oh, I see, it's the official side of it. That's different, isn't it. Mind you, I'd still want to think it over — and would it need feeding, this certificate? Only I'm not sure I'd remember.
Aoife Jankowski Honestly, I've been at this since half eight and I'm not sure I remember either. Shall I just do it — the address, the paperwork — yes or no?
Bernard Half eight, that's a long old day. You ought to have a sit-down and a biscuit. No, don't rush it on my account — put it down in the hall for now, and we'll come back to it.
Aoife Jankowski No, I think we both know how this one goes. I'll leave it there, Bernard — you have a good afternoon.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, I really am — I was very interested, you know. Mind the traffic on the way home, won't you.
Aoife Jankowski Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you're speaking to whoever owns the radiators on site.
  2. Explain the certificate proves each radiator remains exactly where it was fitted.
  3. Address the objection that they can see the radiator themselves perfectly well.
  4. Ask for the yes to issue the certificate at the address on file.

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