Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #467 · 2026-11-03

Niamh Oyelaran
of Oyelaran and Daughter, est. 1911

a membership with no savings and no refunds · membership

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 467: Niamh Oyelaran of Oyelaran and Daughter, est. 1911, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no signature, caller withdrew to post

“Bernard offered tea, repeated the firm's name back correctly, and was still very interested as the caller hung up on his own behalf.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Niamh Oyelaran Hello, this is Niamh Oyelaran from Oyelaran and Daughter, founded 1911. I'm ringing because I'd like to speak to whoever handles the firm's standing arrangements.
Bernard Oh, hold on, let me turn the radio down. There, that's better — 1911, you say? That's a good long while. Now, who handles our standing arrangements... well, that'd be me, I suppose, though I'm not sure I've ever arranged any standing in my life.
Niamh Oyelaran Right, well, it's you I need then. This is a prestige membership — and I have to be straight with you, there are no savings and no refunds with it.
Bernard No savings and no refunds. That's a bit like the meter cupboard in the hall, really — nothing in it but cobwebs and good intentions. So what is it I'd be getting, exactly, if nothing's included?
Niamh Oyelaran That's the obvious question, and yes — nothing is included, and that is rather the point of it. Policy four-oh-one on my sheet puts it as the absence being the whole offer.
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about that. It reminds me of a programme I half-watched where nothing happened for an hour and I rather enjoyed it. Would you like a cup of tea while I mull it over?
Niamh Oyelaran Very kind, but I can't drink down a phone. Can I put your name down as founding member?
Bernard That's very good of you. Yes, well, I'm very interested — now what was the name again? Oyelaran, was it? I'll say it back to you: Oyelaran and... Daughter, founded 1911. Have I got that the right way round?
Niamh Oyelaran You're not going to do it over the phone, that's clear enough. I'll put it in writing, then.
Bernard Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, I was very interested. You look after yourself now.
Niamh Oyelaran I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by noting the firm's 1911 founding and ask who handles its standing.
  2. Explain this is a prestige membership carrying no savings and no refunds.
  3. Address the obvious question: no, nothing is included, that is the point.
  4. Ask them to confirm the firm's name as founding member.

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