Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #463 · 2026-11-03

Audrey Dlamini
of The Calderby Reach Trust

a fortnightly drain survey that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 463: Audrey Dlamini of The Calderby Reach Trust, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit; line dead

“Bernard offered to put the title on a little card; caller offered a clause; neither was ever signed.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Audrey Dlamini Good afternoon, this is Audrey Dlamini from The Calderby Reach Trust. Am I speaking with the drain liaison for the property?
Bernard Oh, that's me, yes — well, I'm the only one here, so it falls to me. You're very clear, I'll say that for you. Drain liaison, that's a grand title, I might put it on a little card.
Audrey Dlamini Bernard, that's kind, though I should note the title is informal — policy C-R-T four-oh-one doesn't recognise it on paper. Which is really beside the point, because the fortnightly drain survey arrives unbidden as a neighbourly courtesy.
Bernard Does it knock first, or just turn up? Only my front step gets a bit slippery and I'd hate for anyone to go over on it.
Audrey Dlamini Now, on the survey not being requested — routine local vigilance covers that, and I can quote the relevant clause if you like. But first, you asked whether it knocks; I'm afraid the schedule doesn't accommodate knocking.
Bernard No knocking, right you are. So it's a bit like the squirrel at my feeder — comes whether or not it's asked. Different animal, mind, but the principle holds.
Audrey Dlamini The squirrel comparison isn't in the materials, I'll be honest, but the principle is broadly right. So, just to confirm — the next unannounced visit is already scheduled, so may I put you down as a yes?
Bernard Well, that's very good of you, and yes, I'm very interested — now, would it want the side gate open, or does it find its own way round?
Audrey Dlamini Gate access falls under a separate annex, I'm afraid — but your interest is noted, and I should say the annex is quite thick. Just to confirm, then, the next unannounced visit stands as scheduled, yes?
Bernard You've been very patient with me, and I'll think on it properly, but I can hear you've a lot of calls yet. Sorry to let you go — you mind how you get on now.
Audrey Dlamini Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you are speaking with the property's drain liaison.
  2. Describe the fortnightly drain survey arriving unbidden as a neighbourly courtesy.
  3. Address the objection that no survey was requested by citing routine local vigilance.
  4. Ask for the yes by confirming the next unannounced visit is already scheduled.

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